We cannot hold a relationship together by abandoning ourselves

We cannot hold a relationship together by abandoning ourselves. It seems like it might be an obvious thing to know; however, how many of us do this as our basic go-to, without even stopping to think about it, because we have been doing it so long?

It often falls under the banner of:

• being thoughtful of others
• being considerate
• keeping the peace
• avoiding an argument
• not being worth it
• falling in line
• anything for a quiet life
• keeping someone
• being rewarded for silence.

And these are only a few possibilities.

Put quite simply, if authenticity feels risky in a relationship exchange, then the relationship isn’t good, safe, or equal. Because when you have to make yourself smaller to stay, that really is not good for you.

Normalisation 

Normalisation of self-abandonment in a relationship happens when one partner constantly ignores their own needs, feelings, and boundaries to keep the peace. Over time, and indeed inevitably, both people treat this chronic self-sacrifice as normal, healthy, and worse still, it becomes expected.

So you hide your real opinions, ignore your gut feelings and responses, and assume the blame when you know it is not your fault.

I believe that, if you investigate this, you will find that from very early childhood you were rewarded for compliance, silence, or not needing anything. You will find that this might have become your relationship blueprint, particularly if you have also experienced emotional invalidation in your relationships, and so it feels familiar, but internally it is unlikely to be, or to feel, unquestioned.

Fear of rejection 

Somehow the focus will not have been you. This doesn’t mean that bad parenting was either conscious or malevolent, although it might have been. In so many families, this can exist simply because the parent or parents’ focus was elsewhere if they had demanding careers or another child was poorly, or the focus might have been mislaid because your parent was rejected, afraid, depressed, experiencing addiction, or was affected by someone else’s addiction.

There are so many possible reasons why this might have been the case. Nevertheless, the effect it had on you can remain, interfering with all your relationships and with how you see yourself as someone who needs to make themselves either small or invisible. But this comes at a price, as with all things that are suppressed, when our authentic self is idiomatically “thrown out the window”, so to speak.

Resentment 

Little by little, resentment may build and take residence within your heart and soul, not to mention your biology, whereby you may become somatically challenged by your feelings that, in turn, may become an ailment.

When the Body Says No by Dr Gabor Mate makes interesting reading here, and in 12-step groups, they say ‘resentment kills’, referring to how harmful unresolved resentment can be. They are not joking. More often than not, there will come a day when holding on to the inner unrest can no longer bear a moment more, and it will all erupt like a volcano.

Chronic self-sacrifice is dangerous. Deep emotional exhaustion, burnout, and physical stress equate with a loss of your personal identity and independent goals and give way to emotional outbursts when you can no longer hold your feelings in.

Breaking the cycle of self-abandonment 

Here, there is much to unlearn first. To establish the value of your own voice by beginning to really hear it.

Setting boundaries can feel really scary. At first, it won’t feel natural, but this is a step-by-step way forward, not something that happens in a flash, so please be kind to yourself. There are some Bach Flower Remedies that can be wonderfully helpful with this stage, such as centuary, walnut, cerato and rock water.

Changing what has been normalised for so long is a process.

Prioritise yourself

Taking care of your needs is not selfish; it is necessary. Naming your feelings, checking in with your body and, for some, journalling can be the start of real felt personal change.

Begin to use the “I”

I think. I need. I would like. Try to check in with your own schedule instead of agreeing to do things or take part in things right away.

Expect a reaction

If you have always been compliant, please expect those whom you facilitated all the time to be resistant or even unpleasant. Here, please try to remember your own goal.

If they keep pushing for a yes when you said no, and you're sticking to your decision, ask for their respect for that. This will feel difficult at first because it is totally unfamiliar, but you will find your own way to reply. It can be very helpful to ask for “time to think about it” as your reply.

The purpose of this change 

Becoming your authentic self allows you to experience inner freedom through your own voice. There are many benefits to this.

You will feel a dignity that is invaluably wonderful and all the self-respect that accompanies that. Your inner world will have so much more space when your resentments begin to vapourise by being truthful when your fealty belongs to your own soul, not someone else’s.

Doing this with the help of a therapist or coach can be such a comfort and a good start for you, as doing it alone will be hard to navigate without support. Please remember that it is entirely possible to change in this way without feeling afraid and guilty. Living in the shadows to belong or to hold onto someone will never be worth the sacrifice of your own heart, and anyone who loves you truly will agree!

Remember the people who mind don’t matter and the people who matter don’t mind.