Forgiveness explored

Forgiveness is not a casual thing when it is about forgiving someone who caused you great hurt or harm.

Any more, truly, than when it is about a great hurt or harm you might have caused someone yourself, and you are in desperate need of forgiveness. Those of us with a conscience, that is. Remarkably, there do exist those who seem conscience-exempt, though they are not the kind of people whom you would wish to offer a place at your table.

Sometimes, it is a circumstance that calls us to consider forgiveness in order to move on without the heavy burden that living without it can bring.

Maybe starting in humility is best, because when we are called to consider forgiving someone, I believe we must also bear in mind, in our own hearts, how we would feel if forgiveness itself might never be possible for us to receive. I think it would probably be very sad. Sad on so many levels, and sadness itself is always the bedfellow of forgiveness, and lives alongside what is required of us for peace:

• sadness for what was done
• sadness for what happened
• sadness for the lack of love or humanity
• sadness that it came to this
• sadness because we wanted something better
• sadness because we deserve something better.

And more, so many more sadnesses.

However, amidst the many sadnesses, if a resolution with someone or something else is to take place, there will be that moment when we have to decide whether to forgive or not to forgive.

I am a Christian, and so forgiveness is an absolute for me. Because I have been forgiven, I feel I have to leave my own will out of it. However, this does not mean that I must reconcile, or that I cannot still struggle with forgiveness. This is probably why I decided to write this article exploring it in that struggle, to help its navigation.

I have also heard it said that where there is no forgiveness, there remains somehow a swallowed poison that can take away our capacity to feel our own joy. We should never surrender that joy to any act or circumstance, because then it can also rob us of the hope of better days to come.

Whatever your beliefs, I think we all believe on some level that a lack of forgiveness can leave something open, like a wound that remains unhealed or an unfinished chapter. There can be a felt sense of no closure where it remains.

When someone has hurt you

Surely, whether they meant to hurt you or not should be taken into consideration, and I think, by and large, it generally is. However, the problem becomes a much bigger thing when you feel that the hurt caused to you was meant or intended, and when a malevolence is present.

Then you are grappling with the worst-case scenario. Where can we go with that? For me, this means going back to a Biblical outline of conduct. Even then, it can still be hard to offer our forgiveness without an internal fight.

I have found that, when it is a person who has hurt you, forgiveness can be kept separate from the chance of reconciliation. Here, the status of the relationship is recognised as altered.

Unless there is accountability and genuine ownership of how this must have felt for you, the grief it caused can remain unwitnessed. When grief feels unwitnessed, it can leave behind a sense of pain that stays with us.

When it is family or a close friend

In the case of it being a family member, there is a lack of love that isn’t meant to be there. After all, aren’t family supposed to love you? When we are talking about grandparents, mothers and fathers, sisters and brothers, sons and daughters, rather than distant cousins, uncles and aunts, the hurt can feel particularly great.

Or, when it is a very close friendship of many years, there can be a huge amount of hurt to come up against, which is hard, if not impossible, to sidestep. Especially because we are so invested in these relationships.

So, bearing that in mind, we must walk into that hurt because it is something to be grieved. To grieve and move beyond it, we need, for our own sake, to move through it rather than around it. If we do not, it may remain as resentment, which can surface in one way or another.

What we need to forgive 

To give you some help mapping it out, understanding on many levels needs to be part of it. If the hurt was caused by a person of significance, you may want to understand:

• why they did it
• why they said it.

Honestly, this can be a pretty difficult conversation to have when the hurt is still present.

Sometimes, a mediator can be very helpful here. However, please be careful who you choose, as involving someone you know and trust could end up creating another problem if you feel they are taking sides. It may be best to choose someone who is uninvolved, kind and sensitive to help create a feeling of safety and fairness.

This is a hard call. I think understanding may need to come from a person whose wisdom you respect. You and the other party will also need to establish something mutual, with a shared desire for peace. This does not work when having an axe to grind is the only incentive.

Sometimes, speaking out involves criticism, but where people have experienced suffering, humiliation or loss at another’s hands, they may need the opportunity to express how they have been affected. Without that, it can be difficult to move forward.

Sitting on the fence, whether by those who are trying to help or others involved, may not truly wipe the slate clean when too much remains unspoken. That is why understanding can be of such help here, and why the exchange needs to be mutually agreed.

I think, in closing, that forgiveness is a delicate affair. It can take courage and a genuine desire to find a way forward, particularly when other people are involved.

When forgiveness is needed because of events or circumstances, I think it can be different. It may involve coming to terms with what has happened and finding a sense of acceptance, which can bring the promise of better days and the ability to embrace new joys.