How to respond to abusive texts or emails from narcissists

When an abusive message from a narcissist lands on your phone, it can feel instantly overwhelming. Your mind races, your emotions spike, and before you know it, you’re pulled back into a cycle that leaves you feeling hurt, confused, or on edge. Narcissists often know exactly what to say to provoke a reaction, making it incredibly difficult to respond calmly. But with the right approach, you can take back control of how you respond and protect your emotional well-being.

They have been studying you and your pressure points for ages, and they know what buttons to push. You have shared your vulnerabilities with them from a place of trust, and now they are using them in their effort to abuse you. These are the kinds of grief that narcissistic abuse survivors go through. 

Here is my advice for responding to abusive text messages from narcissists.

4 steps to deal with abusive text messages

 1. Pause

Do not start typing a response. Your immediate reaction is likely to be to defend yourself, point out how unfair some of their comments are, and say they shouldn't be doing that, and so on. The minute you do that, they achieve their agenda, getting narcissistic supply from them. So, pause.  

2. Regulate 

You are likely to go into deep grief, resentment, anger and all sorts of complex emotions. This activates your fight, flight or freeze response in your body. This shuts down the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for our focus and attention. It won't serve you well to make decisions from this state.

So, regulate yourself. Have a shower, go for a swim, do some cooking, go for a walk, bring your anxiety level down by using tapping, etc. Do whatever works for you to regulate yourself. 

3. Unpack the message

Assuming that you are in a better place to respond, it's time to unpack the message. Read the message to filter out the facts. Take a piece of paper and write down the facts under the heading 'facts'. Then, write down your reality; what's true for you in front of that.

This enables you to form a better answer. Continue to do this until you get into the groove of responding to these texts better. Once you have filtered out the facts, you will realise that the rest are projections, manipulations and gaslighting.

4. Read aloud

Write a response factually. Take yourself away from it. Do not personalise, explain or defend yourself. Just write a factual response. Read it out loud before you press send. Pay attention to your body. When you read the text, if your body reacts energetically in a negative way, go through the process of pausing, regulating and unpacking again. 

However, this process will put you in a better position when dealing with the narcissist's behaviour towards you. As always, do your inner work to heal and get your life back. 

Working with a professional can help you cope with the impact of narcissistic abuse. You may find it helpful to speak to a mental health professional, such as a therapist. Therapists can support you if your mental health is affected, helping you to set boundaries and manage difficult emotions.

A coach can also support, helping you to build self-esteem and feel more empowered. Learn more about coaching and find the right coach for you today.