How to manage your fears in motherhood

Parenting starts before the birth. That’s right, in fact parenting starts when you’re a child, growing up watching and learning from the adults around you (especially your parents). We learn how to look after children by the way we are looked after ourselves and watching our friends experiences. Then we have society giving us messages on parenting through the media, school, people on the street, work, everywhere.

By the time it comes to starting our own families, we have a million voices swirling around in our heads: what to do, what not to do, what a good parent is, what a good child is, what school to go to and what food to buy. The list goes on. No wonder new parenthood can feel overwhelming!

So, before you have even given birth, you may have this enormous (and often conflicting) list of expectations, with no direct experience to help you make sense of it. The key to managing your fears can be to manage this vision of the ‘perfect’ mother, so that it doesn’t overshadow your happiness at being a ‘real’ one.

How to sanity-check your expectations

• No one is perfect, and most people are far from it. Ask yourself, do you want to be a perfect mum or a happy mum? If you want to be happy, you may need to let go of perfect.
• In a new job, you usually get around six months to get the hang of it. Give yourself permission to learn. That goes for your partner too. Give them the same permission – they are just as new to this as you are. Criticising their methods may create tension at a time when supporting each other can be particularly valuable.
• Try to focus on what your baby needs rather than putting pressure on yourself to get everything ‘perfect’. There will inevitably be messy moments, unexpected challenges and plenty of learning along the way.
• Last but not least – you don’t have to love your baby straight away. This one may sound controversial, but it’s a very important part of managing your expectations. Everyone has a different birth, a different relationship and a different set of circumstances. I wish someone had told me that I didn’t have to love my baby straight away, that it comes in time for some, and that that is OK.
  We all process what happens to us in the best way we can.

For some people, birth and the transition to parenthood can bring unexpected emotions, so please make sure you’re kind to yourself. Remember, ‘comparison is the thief of joy’. All the mums who seem to have everything under control, who seem to be ‘naturals’, may be struggling too in their own way and often in private. The more willing you are to share your challenges with others, the more you may realise that you aren’t alone in how you feel.

How to make the most of new-found motherhood

• Take the opportunity to get out and about during maternity leave. Even if you’re on a budget (and even though it can take hours to leave the house!), make the effort to do things that stimulate you. A trip to an exhibition, a shop you love, a beauty spot or just going for coffee - whatever makes you feel like you’ve had a well-deserved treat.
• Take some time to work out a way you can get some alone time, if you want it. Even if it’s just for an hour, having some space to yourself can make a difference to how you feel and help you enjoy the time you spend with your baby.
• Love yourself. When you look at your baby and feel that connection, remember to give some of that care to yourself too. That means time, attention, care, food, cuddles, comfortable surroundings and play! And yes, when they’re older, have a go on the soft-play equipment yourself - it’s good to have fun!
• Last but not least, take pictures of your babies in silly outfits for later use (perhaps in the teenage years) – it’s the very least they can give you after all your hard work!