How to deal with your noisy inner critic

Recently I went salsa dancing for the first time in a really long time, and I feel like I've found a missing piece of me. Salsa is something I have done on and off for the past 20 years and it's my happy place. Somewhere I can go and switch off and get swept up in the music and atmosphere. However, dance has also been a source of anxiety for me at times too. It's one of the places the voice of my inner critic, would often get quite loud and shouty, pointing out all the things I was doing wrong and reminding me that I'm not as good as those people over there.

This inner dialogue kept my confidence low and meant that I often did my utmost to avoid dancing with the really good people because I was scared they'd try and get me to do moves I didn't know and I'd end up looking stupid, feel embarrassed and they'd laugh at how rubbish I was. 

To add insult to injury, if I did happen to dance with someone I held in high esteem, you can guarantee my heart would race, my palms would get sweaty, my legs would shake, my body would tense and everything I'd learned would go flying out the window, proving – or so I believed – that I wasn't as capable as the other dancers.

So instead of losing myself in the heady mix of music, movement and connection, I'd spend my time feeling anxious and having an internal battle with myself that sucked all the joy out of my experience!

I so wanted to be better - to be one of the really good dancers and yet I would avoid doing the things that would help me improve because my inner critic kept telling me it was scary and I wasn't good enough.

That voice is still part of me today, however, thankfully I've got wise to her wily ways over the years and she no longer gets to make the decisions.

So in today's article, I thought I'd share with you what I've learned about my inner critic, including some practical ways to recognise negative self-talk, respond to self-doubt and turn down the volume when it starts getting in your way.

What is the inner critic?

Our inner critic is the voice of self-doubt - the internal chatter that tells us we are less than or not good enough - we don't know enough, haven't practised enough, aren't qualified enough, aren't confident enough, fit enough, attractive enough, slim enough, interesting enough etc. It takes your seeds of doubt and pours fertiliser on them!

For some of us this voice might be loudest around our careers, for others it may be our appearance and body image or our competence as parents or partners or both! It may even pipe up around those creative pursuits designed to bring us more joy, like salsa dancing!

Often it's a pick and mix of things that trigger it and many of us are so used to living with this internal narration that we might not even be consciously aware of it.

Our inner critic is a way of describing the self-critical thoughts that can arise throughout our day. These thoughts might focus on our perceived shortcomings, mistakes or fears about what other people think of us.

It can sometimes lead us to imagine everything that could go wrong or think in black-and-white terms (you're either brilliant or awful), without recognising the possibilities in between.

One way of understanding the inner critic is to see it as an attempt to protect us from uncomfortable experiences, such as failure, disappointment or embarrassment. However, self-critical thoughts can arise for many reasons, and they aren't always helpful or accurate.

It's like a broken record in the background of your head going on and on and on, and sometimes takes inspiration from other critical people in your life - a parent or siblings, teacher, boss or some other influential person in your life?

Maybe you are able to successfully distract yourself from it for a little while by keeping super busy or avoiding the things that trigger it. But just when you start to relax, it's back, blathering on and comparing you to all these people that are so much more [insert thing] than you.

The thing about self-doubt is that it can undermine our confidence and self-esteem. It may discourage us from going for the things we want and the opportunities that would bring the most joy and fulfilment.

Embracing the discomfort

You might notice your inner critic becoming louder when you're feeling vulnerable, particularly when you're trying something unfamiliar or taking on a challenge that matters to you.

When this happens, it's easy to interpret self-doubt as a sign that we're not ready or capable. We might then avoid the situation, even when it's something we'd really like to try.

I do quite a lot of coaching in organisations and I've had numerous clients come to me wanting to work on their confidence because they've recently changed positions or taken on new responsibilities. 

They have gone from something they were very comfortable and competent with and now feel a bit like a fish out of water, which is understandable when we're still learning new skills and finding our feet.

Our comfort zones can provide familiarity and security, but trying new experiences can also give us opportunities to learn and build confidence.

As anyone who has ever tried yoga for the first time will tell you, stretching is not always comfortable! However, a little manageable discomfort can sometimes be part of learning something new.

The important thing is recognising when self-doubt is offering useful information and when it's simply making a challenge feel more frightening than it needs to be.

If nothing changes, nothing changes!

The cost of self-doubt

Some people tend to view the inner critic as the voice of tough love. For some, it seems to motivate them to push themselves harder, do more and make themselves better.

So it makes sense that we may feel reluctant to change things. However, there acan be downsides to being motivated in this way.

I'm sure you've heard of the carrot and stick analogy for motivation. Well, using self-doubt as your motivator can feel like the equivalent of beating yourself with a big stick! You're motivated to move away from pain, rather than towards something you really want.

This kind of motivation can be exhausting and take some of the enjoyment out of what you're doing. When we are motivated by moving away from pain, we may find ourselves doing things that don't really move us closer to where we really want to be.

So whilst you may be successful, there's a  risk that your achievements won't feel like enough, leaving you constantly pushing for more without recognising how far you've already come.

5 ways to turn down the volume of your inner critic

Where we go wrong is that we try to push the inner critic away.

Think about it, If you were trying to warn someone of impending doom, would you stop because they pushed you away? Or would you try harder and get louder and bigger to try to make them listen? Exactly!

Pushing the inner critic away doesn't work. So what can you do instead?

• Start to pay attention to your inner dialogue and see if you can tune into the voice of your inner critic. Listen out for any words of criticism, sentences involving the words 'should' or 'can't' and any comparisons to others.
• You are not your thoughts and your thoughts aren't facts, so it's important to separate yourself from your inner critic. If you've not seen the Pixar film 'Inside Out' I'd really recommend watching it as it illustrates this point perfectly. 
• Get curious with your inner critic - what is it trying to do right now? What is it trying to protect you from? What is it most afraid of? Then start to question it - is that true? Do know that's 100% accurate? What else could be true?
  Once you are clear about what's really going on, can you respond to it compassionately, in the same way you would if it were someone you love?
• Once you are aware of your inner critic's voice and can begin to identify it, imagine turning down the volume. The goal is not to remove it completely - being fearless isn't a good thing! It's about learning to feel the fear and do it anyway.
• Cultivate an inner cheerleader to challenge negative or unhelpful thoughts. Pick a phrase to motivate you, encourage positive change or boost your self-esteem and repeat it to yourself. I have some go-to phrases I say to myself when self-doubt starts to creep in:
• • Yes, you can.
  • You've got this.
  • You've got a 100% success rate of making it through hard times.
  • Permission to be human.
  • Your best is enough.
  • It's OK not to know.
  • This too shall pass.

"The day of unfailing, gorgeous confidence isn't coming. Self-doubt will always be a part of what we each work with as we take steps to play bigger. The name of the game is not eliminating self-doubt. The name of the game is learning how to let the inner critic do its thing, without taking direction from it. The goal is to hear the inner critic's voice but not let that voice determine your choices." 

- Tara Mohr, author of Playing Big.

Learning to live with your inner critic

My inner critic hasn't disappeared, and I don't expect it to. But I've learned that I don't have to let every self-critical thought influence my choices.

Whether it's salsa dancing, taking on a new responsibility at work or trying something outside your usual routine, recognising your negative self-talk can help you decide how you want to respond.

The next time your inner critic gets noisy, see if you can pause, notice what it's saying and consider what a more supportive voice might tell you instead.

If you'd like support exploring self-doubt and building confidence, you can also find out more about confidence coaching.