How to recognise and respond to manipulative behaviour

Manipulative behaviour can occur in personal and professional relationships, and it isn't always easy to recognise. Sometimes, we may feel pressured into doing something we don't want to do, or find ourselves feeling guilty for expressing our own needs.

Unlike assertive communication, which involves expressing needs openly and respectfully, manipulative communication may involve guilt, emotional pressure or attempts to influence someone's decisions indirectly.

Developing emotional awareness can help us recognise these patterns, understand how they affect us and respond in ways that respect our own needs and boundaries.

What is manipulative behaviour?

Manipulative behaviour involves attempting to influence another person's thoughts, feelings or actions, sometimes through emotional pressure or indirect communication.

What is the aim of manipulative behaviour?

A) Persuade you to do something you are uncomfortable with or that goes against your better judgement.

B) Discourage you from doing something you want to do but they don’t wish you to do.

C) Encourage you to prioritise their needs at the expense of your own.

What are some common signs of emotional manipulation?

The emotional tools of the manipulator are clever and designed to draw you in. They include:

• Trying to make you feel guilty about doing/not doing something, so that you’ll feel bad if you don’t go along with their wishes - and so feel you have to comply.
• Encouraging you to take responsibility for decisions or problems that aren't yours to manage.
• Making you feel responsible for another person's happiness or disappointment.
• Having you feel responsible for them, when you are not, or to take responsibility eg for a decision.
• Getting you to feel good, skilled and wanted by the use of flattery so that you can’t resist their pleas.

Why can manipulation be difficult to recognise?

There are three main reasons:

• You may not recognise it as a pattern at the time. 
• You may feel guilty, uncomfortable or worried about disappointing the other person.
• You may not know how to respond to it without causing unwanted conflict.

How effective is this behaviour?

Manipulation can produce the results they desire at first, but once the realisation sets in, it’s likely to achieve the opposite of the manipulator’s intention and give rise to irritation, frustration and annoyance, so souring relationships.

How can you recognise potentially manipulative language?

First, familiarise yourself with the most common phrases used by manipulators. Such as:

• "I’d do it for you."
• "If I were you, I’d..."
• "You’re the best person to do it."
• "I’m hopeless at…"                      
• "Don’t let me down."
• "Don’t be so…. (fussy, sensitive, serious etc)."
• "I thought you cared."
• "Everyone agrees with me/everyone thinks you’re in the wrong."
• "How could you possibly think about doing that?/How could you be so stupid!"
• "I don’t mind. You decide."

Secondly, recognise their methods of guilt-inducement, deciding what’s best for you (in fact for them), sounding pathetic, flattering you, making you feel as if you’re being difficult or silly and refusing to take responsibility and have you decide for them too.

How can you respond assertively?

Thirdly, be clear about what you want to do or not do. When you recognise that someone may be putting pressure on you, it can help to consider what you want or need before responding.

Assertive communication involves expressing your thoughts and feelings clearly while respecting the other person's perspective.

Here are examples:

“I’m hopeless at….” - “If you don’t feel confident to do it, I’ll do it this time and show you so that you can do it next time”

“Don’t let me down” - “It isn’t a matter of letting you down. It’s a matter of being something I don’t wish to involve myself in”

“I thought you cared” - “I do care. However, this isn’t something I want for myself”

Finally, ask them to approach things differently in future, for example encourage them to ask directly instead of making their needs known in a roundabout way. For example:

• “Would you be willing to help with this?”
• “I’d be grateful if you would do x, y and z.”
• "I understand you feel differently, but I'd like you to respect my decision."

Understanding emotional manipulation and your own boundaries

Manipulative behaviour is complex and confusing, drawing on both the spoken word as above and the unspoken (such as giving the silent treatment, withholding information, sulking, mood changes, facial expressions and tones of voice).

However, these behaviours should be considered in context. Someone becoming quiet or upset during a disagreement doesn't necessarily mean they're trying to manipulate you.

Since it can be hard for the recipient to grasp, manipulation can be effective at first. Developing emotional intelligence can help you recognise your own emotional responses, understand interpersonal dynamics and communicate your needs more confidently. However, once you realise, think about your needs and have the courage to make them known.

Recognising unhelpful communication patterns and learning to express your needs can take practice. If you find it difficult to set boundaries, speak up for yourself or manage challenging conversations, working with a life coach may help you explore your communication style, develop self-awareness and build confidence in expressing your needs. A coach can support you in identifying your goals and developing more assertive communication skills.