Healthy boundaries 101: How to understand your 'no'

I remember a time when I was completely paralysed by my inability to understand my own boundaries and how 'no' felt for me. I was meeting an acquaintance for a drink. He was somebody I had met at a personal development course, and I considered this purely a platonic meeting before another event I was heading to that evening.

As we shared a sofa and chatted about what we had been up to since leaving the course, I noticed him touching my leg quite often. Instantly, I felt a rush of annoyance ripple through my body. I didn’t say anything. And then it happened again and again. Thoughts were racing through my head: ‘Does he think this is a date? ...I don’t like this. You’re making a big deal of nothing... it's harmless'.

I’m not sure if he confused the effort I had made with my appearance for the evening event, being for him.

One thing was for sure, I was no longer present in the conversation. In my head was a raging battle between saying something in the most polite way possible, versus subtly changing my seating position so I was out of reach. The latter being impossible as we shared a sunken couch. I knew I felt uncomfortable but kept telling myself it was harmless and also, I just didn't know how I would tell him this. So I said nothing and endured this frequent touching until we said goodbye. 

Looking back, I recognise that my discomfort was valid, whether or not I felt able to express it at the time. We don't have to explain or justify our boundaries for them to deserve respect, particularly when it comes to unwanted physical contact.

Sound familiar? So many of us sit through uncomfortable without immediately recognising that something doesn't feel right or knowing how to respond. We then have an inner battle of anger and self-doubt that shows up when we think about saying something. It often feels like a prison, as if the only two options are to sit and endure with a tight smile or say something and face irreversible conflict. 

But that’s actually not true. Depending on the situation, we might choose to express our discomfort, move away, seek support or address what happened at another time. What's important is recognising that we have choices, and that our safety and comfort matter.

In this example, it was my physical boundary that was being violated. But I doubted my own boundary by thinking I was making a big deal of nothing.

One way to think about this discomfort is to imagine a child gently tugging at your sleeve, asking for your attention. You might be so caught up in worrying about someone else's reaction that you overlook what you're feeling yourself.

For some people, this may bring to mind earlier experiences of having their feelings overlooked or dismissed. For others, it may simply be a response to what's happening in the moment. Either way, taking time to notice and acknowledge your discomfort can help you better understand your needs.

For me, learning to recognise and honour my boundaries was an important part of developing the confidence to express them. But recognising a boundary doesn't mean we're responsible for someone else's behaviour or obliged to explain ourselves.

Sometimes our ‘no’ isn’t very strong, it can be just a slight feeling of discomfort or annoyance in the moment or when we’re on our way home from seeing someone. 

And sometimes we may not notice any clear physical sensation at all. Our thoughts, feelings and reactions can all offer clues about our boundaries, but we don't need to experience discomfort in a particular way for our needs to matter.

How to recognise and understand your boundaries

Here's how you can use experiences like this to understand your own boundaries and become familiar with how your body and mind may be telling you 'no'.

• Close your eyes, if you feel comfortable doing so, and think of how it felt in the exact moment when something happened which made you feel uncomfortable.
• Focus on the sensations in your body, where do you feel it most? Write it down
• What thoughts were running through your head? Write them down
• What emotions were you feeling? 
• Now take some time to really think about what it is you needed in that moment.
• Now imagine what you would really like to happen. If you felt safe and comfortable expressing your needs, what might you want to say or do? Remember that you can also choose to leave a situation or seek support rather than address it directly.

I cannot stress how important it is to get in touch with your feelings and needs. There is no wrong answer, how you feel is how you feel. You can talk yourself out of believing your boundary should exist, but it's still there, and it’s usually linked to a need that may or may not be being met.

So, take some time to understand your ‘no’ and understand your own boundaries first. You don't have to wait until the next time you feel discomfort. Use your past experiences to connect more deeply with yourself and train your boundary muscle. Honour yourself first to gain the confidence to take action. 

Remember, setting boundaries isn't always about finding the right words or having a difficult conversation. Sometimes it's simply about recognising what feels right for you and giving yourself permission to respond in a way that protects your well-being.

If you'd like support developing your confidence and understanding your personal boundaries, a life coach may be able to help you explore your needs and practise communicating them.