Finding the confidence to be you

So often we want to work on our confidence – to feel more confident, to behave with more confidence, to do things more confidently. Is your desire to be more confident linked to a specific outcome or action? For example, wanting to be a more confident public speaker, wanting to dress more confidently, wanting more confidence in your career.

But what if building confidence isn't just about improving a particular skill? What if it's also about developing the confidence to be yourself, understand your values and make choices that feel right for you?

Feeling confident in who you are can help you set boundaries, trust your judgement and pursue goals that reflect what genuinely matters to you, rather than simply meeting other people's expectations.

What does it mean to be confident in yourself?

Being confident in yourself doesn't mean feeling comfortable in every situation or never experiencing self-doubt. It's about developing a sense of self-acceptance, recognising your strengths and feeling able to make decisions that align with your values.

Sometimes, we focus on improving our confidence in a particular area without questioning why we feel we need to improve in the first place. Are we working towards something we genuinely want, or are we trying to become the person we think others expect us to be?

My experience of building confidence

Take me as an example. I can take myself back to the day (many moons ago) when I said to my coach at the time, "I want to be more confident at public speaking". As any good coach would, this is exactly what we explored and worked on together for several sessions. I made good progress and had a plan in place (how to prepare my talks, how to hold myself and body language, how to get in the right energy and so on). I also felt I needed to do some deeper work to solve my ‘problem’ and so took myself off for some hypnotherapy and worked on it there, too. It was all well and good and for a short time, I felt more confident in public speaking at work.
 
Soon enough, however, the same discomfort returned and it felt as if nothing had worked and I was back to square one, feeling even less confident than before. I sit here now, with the beautiful benefit of hindsight and recognise, that it wasn’t confidence in public speaking that I really wanted. What I really wanted was the confidence to say no to things not meant for me and to say yes to the things that are meant for me.

I can see that in the moment of wanting to improve my public speaking (and I write this with zero judgement on myself), I was seeking to fit in a box not meant for me (albeit one I had also created for myself). I thought that I ‘should’ try and improve my public speaking because it’s what I perceived my office job required of me and I also had no idea that I was ‘allowed’ to pursue a different route out of the norm. I also genuinely did ‘want’ it, it’s what I thought was best at the time.  

I share this as an invitation to you, simply to be curious about where you are at right now when you think about which route you’d like to take with your confidence…

Building confidence versus understanding yourself 

I've come to recognise two different approaches to building confidence. One focuses on developing practical skills and strategies to feel more comfortable in particular situations. The other involves looking a little deeper, exploring our values, beliefs and expectations to better understand what confidence means to us personally.

When I first worked on my public speaking, I focused on practical techniques to help me feel more confident. This was exactly what I needed at the time. I connected with the benefits of improving my public speaking, stepped outside my comfort zone and developed strategies to help me prepare and manage my nerves.

But over time, I realised there was another aspect of confidence I wanted to explore. I started listening more closely to what I genuinely wanted, rather than what I thought I should want.

The truth that says, no matter how good I am at public speaking, right now, it is still not enjoyable for me. The truth that says, no matter how good I come across and feel in the moment, afterwards I feel unsettled.

This was the point where I began to recognise the importance of understanding myself. I had to make some decisions, put new boundaries in place and question some of the beliefs I'd developed about what I needed to do to gain acceptance from others.

I mean, this isn’t at all really about public speaking, it’s about permission to be ourselves.

For me, this deeper exploration was about becoming more curious and compassionate towards myself. Rather than focusing solely on becoming better at something I didn't particularly enjoy, I began asking whether it was something I genuinely wanted to pursue.

Developing confidence in ourselves can involve recognising when we're trying to fit into expectations that don't reflect who we are. It can also mean giving ourselves permission to make different choices, even when those choices feel unfamiliar or uncomfortable.

Learning to feel more comfortable with who you are can be an ongoing journey. It may involve challenging long-held beliefs, making difficult decisions or stepping away from expectations you've placed on yourself. Although this process can sometimes feel uncomfortable, it can also create opportunities for greater self-awareness, acceptance and personal growth.

Both paths are, of course, beautifully valuable. After all, this life is a non-linear journey, where, if we like, we can choose to continually learn and express our truth.

Neither approach to building confidence is necessarily better than the other. Sometimes, developing practical skills is exactly what we need. At other times, we may benefit from exploring why we feel the need to change and whether our goals truly reflect our values.

How can coaching help you build confidence?

Perhaps you're working hard in an office job while wondering whether your interests lie elsewhere. Or maybe you're delivering group coaching sessions but feel more fulfilled working one-to-one with clients.

Whatever your circumstances, becoming more confident in yourself can involve recognising when your current path no longer reflects your values, interests or aspirations.

Working with a life coach can provide a supportive space to explore these feelings, understand what's important to you and identify practical steps towards your goals. Coaching may help you challenge limiting beliefs, develop greater self-awareness and feel more confident making decisions that reflect who you are.