Emotional bank accounts

Have you ever considered what happens when relationships strengthen or start to fall apart?

Of course, this happens for many reasons, but one essential element may be that one party feels something has changed and the relationship is no longer worth investing in. Is that a strange term to apply to a relationship? Not really, when you consider that successful relationships are usually in credit rather than debt.

I first came across this concept through Stephen R. Covey in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, where he describes it as the ‘Emotional Bank Account’. He discusses making deposits in relationships to ensure there is a reserve that can be drawn on when necessary.

These deposits don’t need to be huge things. They could include listening to a partner when they tell you about their day, texting to say what time you’ll be home when you’re running late or making that first cup of tea in the morning. Then, when you make a withdrawal, perhaps by cancelling at the last minute, forgetting to take the dogs out or speaking angrily, there is something to draw against.

I’d like you to take this a step further and consider what it might mean for your relationship with yourself. I know it sounds a bit wishy-washy, but you are your constant companion; you can’t get away. Even if you move house, change jobs or start a new relationship, guess who’s coming with you? It therefore makes sense to try to cultivate a good relationship with yourself.

So, let’s take the six ways in which Covey suggests deposits can be made and apply them to that relationship.

1. Understanding the individual

• How well do you know what makes you tick?
• Do you understand what makes you happy?
• Do you understand who you like to spend time with and what you like to do?
• What gives you the energy to keep going through your day?
• How often do you add credit to your account by doing or attending to some of these things?
• I know some of you will consider this self-indulgent – but is your account in credit or overdrawn?

2. Attending to the little things

Those little acts of kindness are so important. When was the last time you allowed yourself a cup of tea and a break during a busy day?

Small acts of care can have a meaningful effect. This could include acknowledging that you need to eat well to feel well.

3. Keeping commitments

Breaking a commitment can feel like a major withdrawal. Whether you’ve committed to an exercise routine, your learning, or even getting up a little earlier in the morning, repeatedly breaking that commitment to yourself may lead to frustration, feelings of failure or reduced confidence in your ability to follow through.

Make sure your commitments are realistic and that you genuinely want to fulfil them. Then, plan how you will accomplish them and imagine how you’ll feel when you’ve achieved them.

4. Clarifying expectations

Sometimes this takes a lot of courage. Being realistic about what you can and can’t achieve can bring us up short.

However, bringing our expectations into focus can also be a relief. We can finally let go of the things that have been weighing us down because we placed them in our ‘must do’ or ‘should do’ box when we didn’t really want to do them or become them.

5. Showing personal integrity

Covey describes integrity as ‘conforming reality to our words’ or fulfilling expectations.

• How often do you put yourself down or dismiss a compliment?
• When you think about doing something new, do you automatically assume it’ll go badly or that you won’t do it well?
• Imagine you were saying these things to another person. Would you still say them?
• What would be different if you spoke to and thought about yourself as your best friend might?

6. Apologising when you make a withdrawal

You will inevitably make withdrawals from this account. You will ‘mess up’, forget to talk to yourself kindly or miss your exercise class because it was raining and you didn’t want to go out.

At times like these, it can be easy to fall into a routine of blaming and berating yourself. While learning from life’s experiences is valuable for personal development, remaining angry with yourself can be unhelpful.

Instead, ask yourself what you might do differently next time, put it down to experience and move on while looking for an opportunity to have a different experience.

I’d encourage you to keep a journal, either written down or on your phone or laptop, to keep track of your bank account. You might even divide it into two columns: one for deposits and one for withdrawals.

After a week, review what you have recorded and ask whether your relationship with yourself feels balanced or in debt. This may also help you identify simple ways to make more deposits in the future as you work towards maintaining a balanced relationship with yourself.