Dealing with challenging behaviour through communication

Don't think about a pink elephant.

What happened? Chances are, a pink elephant popped straight into your mind.

It's a simple game, but it highlights something interesting about communication. To understand what you're being asked not to think about, you first have to think about it.

Now consider some of the things we might say when dealing with challenging behaviour from our children:

• "Don't argue with me."
• "Don't answer back."
• "Don't drop the glass."
• "Don't run."

When you're tired, frustrated or trying to get everyone out of the door, phrases like these can come naturally. But could changing the way we communicate make it clearer for children to understand what we're asking of them?

Say what you want to see

Sometimes, telling a child what to do can be clearer than focusing only on what you don't want them to do.

"Don't run" might become "Please walk next to me."

"Don't drop the glass" could become "Hold the glass with both hands."

"Don't shout" might become "Please use a quieter voice."

This isn't about finding a magic phrase that guarantees your child will do what you ask. Children have their own feelings, needs and responses, and challenging behaviour can happen for many different reasons.

Instead, it's about making your request as clear and understandable as possible.

Look beyond the behaviour

When a child behaves in a way we find challenging, it's easy to focus entirely on stopping the behaviour. But it can also be helpful to get curious about what's happening around it.

Are they tired, hungry or overwhelmed? Has something changed? Are they struggling to explain what they need? Is there a pattern to when the behaviour happens?

You won't always find an obvious answer, and understanding a behaviour doesn't mean you have to accept everything your child does. It can, however, help you think about what your child might need alongside any boundaries you put in place.

Notice the patterns you get stuck in

Family life can be repetitive. You ask your child to do something, they resist, you repeat yourself, frustration rises, and before long you're both caught in a familiar pattern. If this happens regularly, rather than simply repeating the same instruction more loudly or more often, it may help to pause and consider what you could communicate differently.

• What do you actually want your child to do?
• Is your request clear and realistic for their age?
• Could you say it in fewer words?
• And, where appropriate, could you offer a choice about how they do it?

Changing your approach won't necessarily produce an immediate change in your child's behaviour. It may, however, help create clearer communication and interrupt some of those familiar cycles of frustration.

Model what you're asking for

Children don't only learn from what we tell them. They also notice what happens around them.

If we're asking children to speak calmly, listen to others or manage frustration, it can be useful to consider how we demonstrate those behaviours ourselves.

Of course, no parent responds perfectly all the time. There will be moments when you're tired, lose your patience or wish you'd handled something differently. What matters is what happens next.

Acknowledging what happened, reconnecting and trying again can also show children something valuable about communication and relationships.

Finding a different way through challenging behaviour

Dealing with challenging behaviour can be exhausting, particularly when the same difficulties keep coming up. There isn't one communication technique that will work for every child or every situation.

But the pink elephant game offers a useful reminder: sometimes, focusing only on what we don't want can make it harder to communicate what we do want.

Being clear about the behaviour you're asking for, staying curious about what's happening for your child and noticing your own communication patterns can give you a different place to start.

If you're finding yourself stuck in the same patterns with your child, coaching can offer space to reflect on what's happening, explore how you communicate as a family and consider approaches that feel realistic for you.