Do you keep attracting the wrong partners into your life?
Do you find yourself wondering why you keep attracting the wrong partner or seem to be a magnet for the emotionally unavailable ones? If so, you’re not alone.

Many people looking for love can feel like they are walking the same painful path again and again, falling for partners who seem promising initially, but then leave you feeling hurt and wondering why you can’t attract a good one.
The relationships we attract often mirror the relationship we have with ourselves, which can apply to non-romantic relationships too. And the answer isn’t about what’s wrong with you, but about what’s happening beneath the surface. This article dives into how you can change this cycle, by starting with yourself and attracting a partner you deserve.
"The most important relationship you’ll ever have is with yourself"
We've heard it many times, so you may think that this is just a cheesy fridge magnet quote or a superficial platitude, but it’s rooted in absolute truth, so let’s delve a little deeper into what this really means for us.
Our relationship with ourselves is the foundation for every other connection in our lives. It determines how we set boundaries, communicate our needs, and who we choose to let into our world. When we value and respect ourselves, we naturally attract and nurture relationships and connections that reflect back those qualities. Alternatively, if we struggle with self-worth we may unconsciously seek validation from others, or tolerate unhealthy relationship dynamics that perhaps reinforce the negative beliefs we hold about ourselves.
The relationship we have with ourselves will also shape how we show up in our interactions. For example, when we’re truly secure in who we are, we are less likely to react defensively or take things personally, and we’re better equipped to handle conflict with empathy and clarity.
This is because our sense of self isn’t tied to external validation, and we understand at a deep core level that nothing anyone says or does is ever actually about us, even if it seems like it at a surface level. On the flip side of this, if you’re critical or dismissive of yourself, those patterns often seep into how you view and treat others, creating disconnection or resentment, and even jealousy and anger.
Ultimately, the way we treat ourselves sets the standard for how others treat us. So, by cultivating self-compassion, understanding, and accountability, we can create a ripple effect that enhances every relationship in our lives, fostering deeper connections, authenticity, and mutual respect.
So how do we improve our relationship with ourselves?
This is unfortunately about more than bubble baths and affirmations! Although these are great self-care tools, working on our relationship with self requires a bit more work from us. It takes a deep and intentional practice of self-awareness, healing and growth.
It starts by acknowledging the beliefs, habits and patterns we’ve unconsciously adopted, about our worth and how we deserve to be treated. Because these beliefs influence everything; how we speak to ourselves, the boundaries we set and the relationships and connections we seek and settle for.
This is where a relationship coach can be instrumental in guiding you in this process, as it’s so difficult for us to get to the root of our unconscious patterns on our own. We operate 95% unconsciously, which means only 5% is actually in our conscious awareness. Is it any wonder making change is so hard, when we think about this incredible statistic?
A coach can help you uncover and challenge any hidden patterns and internal scripts, by guiding you through reflection techniques to help you identify any unconscious limiting beliefs, such as; ‘I’m only lovable if I’m perfect’ or ‘my needs aren’t as important as others’, both of which are very common in women, due to the societal conditioning we’re exposed to throughout the course of our lives. Once these beliefs are brought into the light, your coach can support you in reframing them and replacing them with more empowering truths that serve your growth and well-being.
A coach can also help you with practical tools, such as; guiding you through journaling exercises to identify your values or needs, or mindfulness practices to strengthen your self-compassion or self-belief. They can also help you develop healthy habits, like setting firm but kind boundaries with others, or when emotions run high learning how to self-soothe in healthier ways.
How do I know if I need to work on my relationship with myself?
Recognising that we need to work on our relationship with ourselves often comes through in patterns in our relationships with others. The signs can be subtle or glaring, but they usually reflect our unmet needs, unresolved wounds or the limiting beliefs we hold about ourselves.
They may show up as any of the following:
Struggling to set or enforce boundaries
Saying yes when we mean no, or feeling guilty for asserting our needs. A lack of boundaries often stems from a fear of rejection or a belief that our worth is tied to pleasing others.
Overgiving or over-functioning
Consistently pouring our energy into others at the expense of ourselves can indicate trying to ‘earn’ love and approval, or seeking validation from others. This kind of dynamic can leave us feeling drained and unfulfilled.
Tolerating unhealthy or toxic behaviours
Staying in relationships where we feel undervalued, disrespected or ignored can signal low self-worth. We might tell ourselves ‘This is just how relationships are’ or think ‘I’m lucky to have them in my life’, even when we’re deeply unhappy. This can apply to friend and family relationships, as well as romantic ones.
Seeking constant reassurance
Feeling anxious when we don’t hear from someone or needing frequent affirmation of our worth often points to a lack of internal security. When we rely on others to feel ‘good enough’, relationships become a source of stress rather than connection.
Conflict feels overwhelming or avoidable at any cost
When we struggle to express our feelings or avoid confrontation, it can mean we don’t trust ourselves to handle conflict, or we fear that voicing our needs will lead to rejection.
Attracting emotionally unavailable partners
Repeatedly choosing partners who can’t meet our needs is usually a reflection of an unresolved wound from the past, such as a belief that love must be ‘earned’ or that we’re not truly worthy of their time and care.
Loss of self in relationships
If we find ourselves consistently adapting to what others want, sacrificing our own preferences, hobbies, or identity to maintain a harmonious connection, then this is often a sign that our relationship with ourselves isn’t solid enough to anchor us.
Feeling resentful or drained
If we’re constantly giving but feeling unseen or unappreciated, this may stem from unmet needs within us, where we are expecting others to fill the gap instead of addressing those needs directly ourselves.
Fear of being alone
Rushing into relationships or staying in unhealthy ones is a key sign that we fear being alone, and it often points to discomfort with our own company and/or unresolved self-esteem issues.
How will working with a coach help me change these patterns?
A relationship coach can help you strengthen your relationship with yourself, and when you do that, you’ll see that all of these dynamics and patterns will start to shift. You’ll be able to set boundaries with confidence, communicate your needs clearly, and attract healthier and more fulfilling relationships. A coach will help you to find your worth within yourself, instead of seeking external validation, which will allow you to show up authentically and create connections based on mutual respect and care.
Your coach should create a safe and non-judgemental space for you to identify your patterns, and uncover the root cause so you can address them at a deep core level. From this foundation, you’ll not only transform your relationship with yourself but every other relationship in your life.
Why not get started today on transforming your next relationship, before it's even begun? If you identify with any of these behaviours and patterns, then get in touch with a relationship coach to start transforming your life today.
