Are you afraid of speaking up?

Do you find it hard to confront other people about difficult subjects? Would you prefer to send them an email or avoid any form of confrontation?

If you disagree with the opinion of a colleague at work, or a friend’s behaviour upsets you, are you more likely to stay quiet just to keep the peace?

The result of trying not to rock the boat is often that your feelings or opinions come out later, at a less appropriate time.

For many people, it is the fear that others may react negatively, dismissively or angrily that prevents them from using their voice. This is a natural reaction to what is perceived as a threat. However, most of these situations are not life-threatening, and saying how you feel can be a powerful way to break down that fear.

With any fear, the first step is to listen to the words your inner fearful voice is using and then challenge it with a logical and honest answer.

A typical version of this could be:

Inner fearful voice: “I can’t speak up or they will be upset and might reject me.”

Honest response: “I am going to say how I feel because what I have to say is important to me, and I will feel good about myself when I share it.”

Or:

“If I am honest and kind, they might not agree with me, but that doesn’t mean they will reject me.”

Starting difficult conversations

As you begin to tackle the issue behind your fear, you may find it easier to do what you are afraid of. You may also discover that you can cope with the reactions of others, and that relationships can sometimes improve as a result.

If you still find the idea scary, then a good place to start is by using questions rather than stepping straight in with a prepared speech or an impulsive response. This allows you to gain clarity on the other person’s opinion and begin a conversation in which you may feel more comfortable speaking up.

Become aware of the times when you would love to stand up for your opinion, or the people you want to explain your feelings to. Think about the approach and the words you would use.

Then, when you find yourself in a situation that you have a strong feeling about and want to back away from, rather than promising yourself that you’ll speak up next time, ask yourself: Is this an opportunity to try out your new strengths instead?