A simple perspective-taking exercise for resolving conflict

All too often conflict can cause problems in the workplace or home and, at best, it leaves an awkward atmosphere. If it isn't addressed, conflict can sometimes damage working or personal relationships. Here’s an idea that may help.

I got myself into a potentially heated discussion the other day through a dismissive comment I made that hit a raw nerve!

The other person responded strongly, and I realised how easy it is to upset someone. So what did I do? Stand and fight back, but to what end? Just to prove I was superior in the use of the English language (that’s not to say I was!), only to create the catalyst for a breakdown in our relationship over a petty remark?

No, I realised that I was at fault and should have refrained from using flippant remarks. The situation dispersed straight away when I put my hands up and announced, “My bad, I only meant to make light of the situation.” At this point, the hypothetical inferno that could have potentially gone out of control was eliminated.

All too often, we allow simple situations to spiral with both parties wanting the upper hand. Recognising when you've contributed to a disagreement isn't weakness. Taking responsibility is different from simply agreeing with someone to keep the peace.

So what happens when it’s gone beyond the niceties and there is a definite issue, with seemingly little resolve due to the fact that: “I’m not in conflict, they’re simply WRONG!”

A perspective-taking exercise

For a significant disagreement, it may be useful to have a neutral person facilitate the exercise and make sure each person has an opportunity to speak without interruption.

It involves four chairs facing in on each side of a square and one chair to the side.

The four chairs represent:

• Person one
• Person two
• The wider perspective - for example, the organisation, team or family
• An outsider looking in

The fifth chair is for person two to observe.

Person one sits in chair one. Questions are asked concerning their views, reasons and thoughts behind what has started this conflict. The facilitator’s task is to ask questions while ensuring person two doesn’t interrupt.

Once person one has exhausted their thoughts, they are then asked to sit in chair two and consider the situation from the other person's perspective. How might that person see what has happened?

At this stage, person two listens to how their actions may have been experienced or interpreted by the other person, without interrupting. They will have an opportunity to explain their own perspective later.

When complete, ask person one to move to chair three. How might the wider organisation, team or family view what is going on?

Finally, they move to chair four and consider the perspective of someone outside the situation looking in. What might that person notice about the disagreement?

Once complete, the whole exercise is repeated with person two starting off in chair two, then moving through chairs one, three and four, while the first participant takes the observation chair.

When completed, all parties are brought together with an opportunity to discuss what they noticed and whether considering the different perspectives has changed their understanding of the disagreement.

The aim is to slow the conversation down, consider different perspectives and create more space for a constructive discussion.

Physically moving between positions can help make the shift in perspective feel more deliberate, although the exercise can equally be adapted without chairs.

Disagreement isn't necessarily a problem. Different views can generate new ideas, but when disagreement becomes personal or entrenched it can become much harder to move forward.

If you're dealing with a disagreement, taking time to consider each of these perspectives may help you understand what is keeping the conflict going and where there might be room to move forward.