Men don’t talk - a story on vulnerability

Why am I sharing this story? I am sharing this because I am tired of men being quiet about what’s really going on, I am tired of keeping all of my thoughts in my own head, subject to my own vetting processes, no checks and balances, no corrections and no accountability. I am tired of being the typical man!

Suicide is the single biggest killer of men under 45 – single men, married men, divorced men, widowed men. In the UK, female suicide is a third of males. In the US, men are three times more likely to die by suicide.

This is sobering data that we don’t often stop to understand, unpack or talk about. I want to talk a little about this today and maybe help us all understand how we can play our part in turning these statistics around.

Before I go any further I think it is worth sharing a little about myself for those who don’t know me. I am a husband to Bianca, my incredible and successful wife and father to a seven-year-old girl who is feisty, brave and melts my heart in more ways than I ever knew possible. We are South African and have lived in London since 2019.

My passion is people. Ordinary people make this crazy world we live in go round. These are the people we catch the bus with every day, the people who stand behind us and in front of us in the queue at the supermarket. These are the unremarkable yet infinitely remarkable people that make the world go round. They are heroes and villains, mothers and fathers, brothers, sisters, horrible bosses, lazy employees, distracted and mischievous school children and everyone in between, but they are always remarkable.

My personal belief is that every single one of us has a spark that lights us up, a spark that once lit can set a fire that is impossible to put out and can reach the ends of the earth. This is why people are my passion because people are special and incredible.

With that, I would like to thank you all for joining me here, you really could have chosen to do so many other things with yourself but instead, you chose to be here, reading this.

When preparing this article I was reminded of a favourite speaker of mine by the name of Simon Sinek who teaches the principle of “Start with Why” where he talks about ensuring you have a clear understanding of the “why” surrounding your work, your life in general and basically, the things you decide to do with your time. So this is where I will start today. Why do I want to share my story with you?

I want to share my story with you because I believe it is an unremarkable one, it is a story that is vanilla and ever so average. I have taken many safe roads, a few risky ones and quite frankly a few crazy ones in my life, but hey, who hasn’t, or at least that’s my opinion. In essence, my story is “normal”

I come from a family where my parents loved each other, had stable jobs, and provided for my sister and I. I grew up in Apartheid South Africa which has impacted my life in many ways but it was very much my normal, I had no real understanding that it was an exceptional time to be a South African. I went through school then university, married the girl of my dreams, did life with her and now am the father of a lovely little girl. For the most part, I got through unscathed so to speak. I have lived average, I am Joe Bloggs, completely unremarkable. It is for this reason that I believe my story, and everyone else’s story is so important.

I used to watch a show called “The Biggest Loser” and I loved it. For those who aren’t familiar with it, it is a reality show in which overweight people compete to lose weight over a period of time. I thought it was the most brilliant thing, seeing people commit to this major transformation and believe it or not I genuinely was a little jealous.

Now I know that sounds morbid but still, why was I jealous? Because for all my life I have been just a little on the heavy side, never completely athletic and lean but also never grossly overweight and unhealthy – basically bang average. So guess what, that’s what I stayed. I felt like if only I could be grossly overweight then I could overhaul my life and make this drastic change, become a new person and really come out a winner. I felt that I needed to be more extreme to make this change and as a result, I have stayed in a similar bracket of “size” for all these years. Unremarkable.

So then, we have to ask the question… can you explain to me why on earth I have considered suicide more than a few times in my life? Why someone who was raised in a loving, secure home, was good in school, was good at sport, got a good job, good career, amazing wife, living well would ever consider harming themselves? Why would that person ever consider ending it all, why would they want to leave? It sounds wrong, doesn’t it? Yet I know now that it's more normal than we would believe.

I come back to the statistics I shared when I started talking – suicide is the greatest killer of men under 45. Men in the UK and, quite frankly, across the globe, in many different countries, are far more likely to die from suicide than women. All of those men cannot have exceptional life circumstances, they cannot all be addicted to drugs or alcohol, and they cannot all be victims of abuse, although a significant amount are.

If you are wondering why as men we find ourselves staring in the face of these shocking statistics – I have a hint for you, which is my personal opinion.

We don’t talk! We don’t talk to our partners, we don’t talk to our mates, we don’t talk to our parents and we almost certainly don’t talk to professionals. We don’t do the thing that will help us build the strength for the journey which is honestly a real tragedy. A really wise man once said to me “If you don’t talk it out, you will act it out!”.

So not too long ago – approximately five years ago actually, after building a successful career across two continents, building a happy and healthy family life and being married to my sweetheart for over a decade I sought help for the very first time. For the first time ever I asked someone to, in their professional capacity, help me, personally, cope with the challenges in my life.

I was in a place of deep discontentment and disarray in my life. I felt I didn’t know my place, my purpose or quite frankly what I was doing. When I sought help I thought it was because I wasn’t managing my work stress, only to realise that it was as a result of searching. Why was I searching? For me, personally, it was because I never had properly expressed myself up until this point. What was my identity and who was I truly?

35 years of pent-up emotions, questions, wants, and needs all came boiling to the surface, I literally still struggle to put words to it because it was so massive. In short, I was lost, I didn’t know my place, I did not know who I was. I ticked all of society’s boxes and I did them really well, again I refer back to the family life, successful career and financial freedom. All the magazines will tell you that this is a great life, but I just didn’t feel it. I could be very easily classified as downright ungrateful for all I had.

So at this point, I want to be clear with you all and help you understand what my world was like. Practically, what did this mean for me? It meant I struggled to get out of bed in the mornings, then I couldn’t get out the door fast enough because I was afraid of the discomfort I felt at home, I would then get to work and couldn’t wait for the clock to run down and head home for the day. I would spend the weekend dreading Monday morning. What a way to live a life, running from every place you find yourself and never feeling safe.

Whilst feeling this way, I never told anyone. Brave face every day, boys don’t cry, men are supposed to be strong. It all stayed in my head and just swirled around from day to day. I looked for any means to distract myself but it was always just that, only a distraction. Have we ever stopped to understand what it even means when we say “boys don’t cry” and why are we so happy to believe it? Boys do cry, a lot, it's just mostly alone and that’s not ok.

So here I was, barely able to handle my daily life, feeling unsafe in the two main places I spend my time and desperate for a way out, and I mean that, I was desperate! Fast forward a year or so later and here I am, talking to all of you. To be clear, life is good for me right now, I have created good habits in my life, I speak my mind, I share my heart, I don’t hold back and yet somehow I am seldom, if ever inappropriate.

Why do I mention inappropriate? Because that’s what the world tells you that you will be as a man if you speak about how you feel, if you tell someone you are scared, if you ask for help, if you dare to be vulnerable. Being vulnerable, especially as men, is as taboo as anything. That isn’t to say that everyone will wholeheartedly accept and praise you for your vulnerability – I remember a situation in my career where a senior member of my work team tried to shame me into stopping being vulnerable by telling me that I sound like his nagging wife! So yes, it is the road less travelled and yes there are always detractors but undoubtedly it's beneficial.

So how did I get here years later? Simple, a lot of hard work, a lot of introspection and the number one thing, a lot of expressing what was going on in my head. Practically that means things like being honest with myself when I wake up in the mornings – “oh I don’t feel great today, I feel tired” Why? Or it may mean sharing that with someone I know but always, always, it starts with being honest with yourself, if you are not honest with yourself first, you will not be able to be honest with anyone else.

 Funny story, the other day, I asked my wife a provocative question, which to her credit she dealt with really well. I asked her “Do you think I look at other women?” I’m sure many of you are wondering how I am still sitting here alive and well today after having asked that question. The truth is though, it's an important question to ask, and it's an important topic to discuss as a couple.

You see for the last 20 years, I thought that it would be immediately inappropriate and wrong for me to ever admit to my wife that I notice good looking woman but in actual fact, she simply confirmed to me that she was aware that I wasn’t blind but also that she didn’t believe running after women was my thing. Simple discussion, but one we had never had before. Now we both know how the other feels and there is less room for confusion to arise.

I am thrilled we had the conversation but there is only one reason we were able to. It was because, over a period of time, I had a safe place I could go to, as a man, and speak my mind, ask questions and not be judged. I had a place where I could be vulnerable. So then I began to feel more and more comfortable with being vulnerable.

I say to all of us today, that we need to find that space where we allow ourselves to be and feel vulnerable. It doesn’t matter where it is. For me that space started with my counsellor and coach, for you, it might be the Sunday league team or the gents' Whatsapp group, it could be anything. No judgement, just honesty and everyone having the understanding that no matter your life circumstances, actually life is hard for everyone and we could all do with a place we feel safe, a space we feel like we belong, where our questions won’t be laughed at and where we can feel some freedom.

I am wary today of coming across as being abstract so I think it's important I share with you, practically, what does this look like for me?

I journal daily and most days I write three things that I am grateful for on that day, it could be “I’m grateful for Liverpool winning the game against Man City” or I’m grateful I had a laugh with my mates yesterday". It could also be, "I’m feeling anxious because a work project is just not going my way" or "my kid is stressing me out and being rebellious at school". Anything, the point is to express myself. This is my primary outlet on most days and something that is available to me easily, I can access it wherever I am.  

I run a men’s mental health group where we can talk about things that deeply impact us such as our roles as sons, fathers and husbands in today's society. These are great discussions and a place where there is zero judgement.

I have a few close friends who I can let off steam with, have a laugh, share some motivation and ambition with and have some honest conversations around my personal goals, aspirations etc. We also have deeper, more meaningful conversations around life’s challenges and how we are coping with them.

Finally, and probably most importantly for me, I have a partner who I can share with and with her nothing is out of bounds to talk about. 

Of all of those four, only one of them is available to me 24 hours a day, 365 days a year and that is my journaling. Basically, it is only me that is available to me all the time and if I can at least find a way to be honest with myself and express myself it will go a long way. I encourage you to find your own similar space, just for yourself

How has this all helped me? Well, it's helped me in a few ways to be honest.

Most importantly I no longer believe I need to conform to a societal norm of how to behave, how to feel, how much money to earn, what job to do etc. I feel more at peace with myself – the truth is am not “normal” and for once I am ok with that. I’m 40 years old and only feel this way right now, I have wasted enough time. It has made me a more attentive and present man, husband, dad, friend and son.

So my message to you all today is to trust yourself to be “not okay”, be honest with yourself, and be vulnerable. Start with you and you will, over time, find people around you that will support you in the journey but ultimately, don’t allow this perpetuation of some of these scary statistics.

Finally, and I think as important as anything else, be an ear to a brother, be an ear to a mate, colleague, any man who is brave enough to share their heart. Support him, encourage him and help him be brave for the dark days because there will be some. Let's uplift rather than put down, let's allow the men around us to be vulnerable.  

I believe we can change the world this way. With that, I want to thank you again for your time.