How to talk about feelings with your child or teen
As mums and dads, we worry about our children and teenagers, don’t we? In fact, I should own up and admit that like many of my same age friends, I still worry about my children even though they are now in their 20s!
The question is, how do we broach the subject of feelings without them closing down?
The standard response from most children when asked about how they feel is to say they don’t know. This is usually true. They don’t know. They feel overwhelmed, confused and unsure what to say. The feelings change from day to day, depending on whether it’s been a good day or a bad day, and this is quite a good place to start.
A good question might be, what does a good day look, sound or feel like? Ask them to tell you what happens on a good day, how does it start? What happens next?
Another idea is to say: if a good day was like a recipe for a lovely cake, what ingredients would you need and how much of each would make that cake truly delicious?
Do you have story cubes? If so, you could suggest they make up a story about a good day.
Younger children may like to use art and craft. Ask them if they’d like to draw a good day. Go on a nature walk in the woods and pick up leaves and things that can make a good day collage. Get a selection of magazines and some safe scissors and ask them to make a vision board – a collage of pictures, words, colours and so on that represent a good day. Use some Play-Doh to make a good day sculpture or series of sculptures. Lego is great too. Remove the figures and use just the bricks and other pieces to make a model of a good day.
If you have a musical child, perhaps they’d like to make up a song about a good day. A physical child might like to do a good day dance.
When talking about these activities, use what we call ‘clean language’. Clean language is when you keep your own thoughts and assumptions out of it and you just ask them; tell me about your model? Or, tell me about your picture? Avoid using the word why. Instead just reflect back their own words in a questioning manner, encouraging them to dig a bit deeper to share those insights. Be curious and listen without judgement and without the need to fix.
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About Judy Bartkowiak
Judy Bartkowiak is an NLP and EFT therapist working with children, teens and parents using art and play therapy to improve confidence, overcome limiting beliefs, ease grief, fear, anxiety and anger.
She sees clients in Burnham/ Bucks, Hove/Sussex and Woking/Surrey & online using Skype/Zoom/Facetime/Whatsapp.
Also NLP Kids Practitioner Trainer.