3 daily habits to help change negative self-talk

The way you speak to yourself matters. That may sound simple, but many of us fall into the habit of speaking to ourselves in ways we would never speak to someone else.

The actions you repeat every day become habits, and many people fall into the habit of speaking negatively to themselves. Over time, that habit can affect how you see yourself and approach different situations.

Wouldn’t you love to draw a line in the sand and say no more negative self-talk?

One place to start is with a supportive statement that feels meaningful and believable to you. It might be:

“I am learning to feel more positive and confident about my life and my abilities.”

It’s going to take practice. If positive self-talk doesn't come naturally to you, repeating a supportive statement can be one way to practise speaking to yourself differently.

You can support your self-esteem and confidence by creating simple, encouraging habits. I have included three examples below.

Example 1: Practise self-praise

Many people struggle with the idea of self-praise because they don’t want to be perceived as arrogant. Arrogance is when you are boasting to other people, but self-praise isn’t arrogance. It’s a nurturing of you, by you.

Self-praise is about learning to offer yourself some of the encouragement you may readily give to other people. Be kind to you. You need your love and encouragement, particularly if you're used to focusing on what you can't or shouldn't do.

As a very young child, I remember that my best friend and I would spend hours role-playing and acting out imaginary scenes from stories: of circuses, pirates and sea-monsters, cowboys and Indians, etc. We could imagine anything and everything.

Once we started school, our role-playing decreased and then stopped. As we grow older, expectations, experiences and other people's opinions can influence how freely we express ourselves and what we believe we're capable of.

Self-praise is about challenging some of the negative messages you may have come to believe over the years. It’s a positive new habit that you create for yourself.

Try linking your supportive statement to everyday activities. For example:

When I open my eyes in the morning: “I am learning to feel more positive and confident about my life and my abilities.”

When I finish brushing my teeth: “I am learning to feel more positive and confident about my life and my abilities.”

When I’ve finished lunch: “I am learning to feel more positive and confident about my life and my abilities.”

Example 2: Notice the good things you do

Take notice of all the good things that you do each day, e.g. taking time to listen to someone; sharing a smile with a stranger; waving to a neighbour; sending a supportive message; helping a friend.

Acknowledge all of the actions you do that make a positive difference for others.

Reviewing your actions at the end of the day and noting down each of the positive actions you’ve made can help you notice qualities and actions in yourself that might otherwise go unrecognised.

Example 3: Think about what you needed to hear

Think back to when you were a child; what did you most want to hear from others? Not what others actually said to you, but what you want to hear.

It might be:

• “You can do it.”
• “I believe in you.”
• “You are amazing.”

When you look in the mirror, instead of microscopically studying and focusing on your flaws and imperfections (we all have them), consider the uniqueness that is you. Freddie Mercury was teased about his big teeth, but those turned out to be part of his iconic image. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Love yourself and say those things to yourself that you so wanted to hear.

It might feel a bit cheesy at first, particularly if you're not used to speaking to yourself this way. The aim isn't to convince yourself that you can do anything; it's to practise encouraging yourself rather than automatically focusing on what you think is wrong.

Changing the way you speak to yourself

People are amazing. We each are amazing. The existence of human life on a rock spinning through space is amazing. And it’s amazing how much time and energy we can put into damaging our self-esteem and confidence with negative self-talk throughout our lives.

Negative self-talk can also change as we move through different stages of life, finding new things to criticise or worry about.

I am a life coach who focuses on midlife career changes and helping people create the retirement they want to enjoy. Halfway through life, at a time when people might be expected to be confident and assured of their future, many struggle with low self-esteem and feelings of frustration at still not knowing what they really want to do with their life.

Changing your inner voice doesn't mean pretending everything is positive or ignoring the things you'd like to improve. It's about learning to speak to yourself with the same encouragement, honesty and kindness you might naturally offer someone else.

Start by noticing what you say to yourself today. Then ask: would I say this to someone I care about?