You are more than your identity!

In the intricate dance of human relationships, there's a profound notion: "We don’t fall in love with the other person. We fall in love with the version of ourselves that we get to be through and with the other person."

Sit with that for a moment.

This changes the way we view love. It means that much of our attraction is not only about the other person but also about how we feel when we are in their presence. It is about how our worlds fit together and become bigger. That 2.0 edition of ourselves, which is shaped and refined through love.

But here’s another perspective. When a relationship ends, whether through a breakup, separation, or divorce, the grief we feel isn’t one-dimensional. It strikes on two fronts. We not only grieve the loss of our partner, but we also grieve the version of ourselves that existed within that relationship. In that moment, our sense of self can feel torn with the rhetorical and echoing question, 'Who am I now?'

Who you are is not solely dependent on your partner

It is normal to feel like a part of your identity has been severed. We often link our capacity to sustain relationships as the only means through which we can give and receive love.

And yet, this is not true. If you’re carrying that belief, it’s a lie!

Your love, kindness, and authenticity were not born solely from that relationship; they have always been an intrinsic part of you. If I were David Attenborough, I’d be shining a giant torch, beaming a spotlight on this truth. These qualities are yours. They were never dependent on another person. They are woven into the very fabric of what makes you, you.

Dr. Alexandra Solomon, a licensed clinical psychologist, agrees with this idea. She says, “Some of us fall in love. Others of us step into love.” Whether it’s the spark of falling or the conscious choice to step into love, this shows that love is not something that happens to us by the hand of another; it is something we work into. And most importantly, it’s something we already have within us.

Rediscovering yourself after divorce

The end of a relationship isn’t just a painful ending, it’s also an invitation. It’s a rare, pivotal moment to reconnect with you, free from the constant influence of external expectations or the identity we built around that union, which we call a relationship. This is not about trying to revert to who you were before the relationship, it’s about stepping boldly into who you are now.

And remember, “now” doesn’t have to be immediate. It could be in two days, two weeks, two months, or even two years after the relationship ended. The length of time is not the issue, it’s the intention. 

This process is not about reliving the “what ifs” or thinking about how you could have made the situation better. It’s about celebrating the you right now, celebrating the lessons you have learned and understanding that every experience, good or bad, has brought you to this point. It’s called Life!

So, let’s start there. Right now.

Go on, wrap your arms around yourself. Hug yourself. (I’m being serious, and enjoy the oxytocin boost!)

5 practical steps to reconnect with yourself

Step 1 - Think about your values

Take some time to write in a journal or to meditate and think about your values, goals, and dreams. This is your chance to get back to the root of who you are as a person without the relationship.

Step 2 - Tap into your hobbies

Maybe you put away your hobbies and interests for the relationship. Now’s the time to dig those interests out from the back of the cupboard or try something you’ve never done before. Learn to appreciate the artistic and adventurous sides of you that have been waiting in the sidelines for some time. 

Step 3 - Find your support system

Talk to friends, find people who can support you, or spend time with those who make you happy. You do not have to face this journey alone. Sometimes, all it takes is a kind word or a laugh to remind you of your worth.

Step 4 - Consider coaching

Relationship and divorce coaching is not about looking back; it's about looking to the future with clarity and a fresh approach. A coach can assist you in changing your focus from what has been lost to what can be created. How exciting is that?! 

Step 5 - Embrace your unique journey

Healing is not a straightforward process. There will be backward steps and giant leaps forward. Wherever you are, you are exactly where you should be. Every step, every stumble, and every triumph are part of your unique story.

Moving forward – the truth

Here’s the truth - love is an inherent part of your nature. It always was and always will be. Once you recognise that, you can navigate the end of a relationship with a renewed sense of resilience, knowing deep in your heart that you are the source of the love you seek.

A relationship may have helped to bring out certain aspects of your character that you liked, but those qualities? They were always there. You once had them, and you still have them. It is not the end of your identity, it is a chance to find and embrace the identity that you have always been.

So go on. Give yourself another warm, loving hug. Let that oxytocin flow freely. Take a deep, revitalising breath. Your next chapter of self-discovery is unfolding, and it all starts with you, right here, right now.