Words of power: change your life by changing your narrative

Words have power. The words we write, say, and even think have the power to alter our reality. They are the narrative bricks with which we build our world, and since training as a life coach, I have realised I was accidentally building a world I didn’t want to live in.

Words can be used to harm and heal. Words affect us on a macro scale, leading nations to war, and on a micro scale, a comment that ruins your morning coffee. We have all experienced the power of words and how they can affect our mood, our emotions, and can even shape our outlook on life, but we are rarely aware of how our own use of language is harming us.

So if words are so powerful, why can we sometimes be so careless with them and what can we do to change? Before exploring this, I want to set out a couple of concepts which I think are relevant to understand for context, as I’ll be referring to them later.

Why our brains are wired for the negative

Humans have evolved an interesting quirk of psychology known as a negativity bias. Negativity bias is described as “the psychological tendency to give more weight, attention, and memory to negative experiences, information, or emotions than to positive ones of equal intensity”. We literally give more credence to a negative opinion, situation or thought than we do a positive one. As they say, it only takes one negative comment to cancel out all the good ones.

Supporting your theory: confirmation bias

Confirmation bias is a tendency to subconsciously look for evidence to support a belief that we already hold and ignore or discount that which does not support our belief. In scientific research, this bias can lead to flawed or ambiguous conclusions being drawn. In our personal lives, this can lead to embedding a belief we hold about ourselves that is not necessarily true or valid. Unchallenged beliefs become part of our narrative and can trap us in behaviour patterns that can be unhealthy and limiting.

Story of my life: narrative psychology theory

Humans are natural storytellers and make sense of reality through narrative. We create our personality, our view of the world, literally our entire reality, through the stories we create for ourselves throughout our lives. Our personal narrative is shaped by a multitude of life experiences, including our family, socioeconomic background, cultural background and life experiences to name just a few.

The words we say, write, and even think can have a huge impact on our lives and, therefore, are something worth paying attention to. To illustrate this, I wanted to share with you some of the ways I have learned to modify the way I use words to help me to overcome challenges in my life.

Ditch the absolute: always and never

These words seem innocuous enough, but they hold a powerful meaning.

Something that I have personal experience in using and have noticed being used by others on a regular basis is “I never get what I want”. I have used this to express my dissatisfaction or frustration about something that has not gone my way, or I have missed out on an opportunity. It’s used in a casual way, but when we really look at this statement, the meaning is bleak.

Never means never, 0% of the time. If I genuinely never got what I wanted, my life would be very challenging and sad. Furthermore, if the belief “I never get what I want” becomes part of my narrative, I will be actively looking for evidence to support it, so even when I do get something that I want, I won't recognise or appreciate it as much.

Another example of this is “I always make mistakes”. This can be a throwaway comment of a person that views themselves and clumsy or disorganised and can almost be seen as a fun quirk of someone’s personality, but it is equally as bleak. If you always make mistakes, that means you are somehow incorrect 100% of the time, which simply cannot be true because you probably would not survive very long if that were the case. A person that has this narrative will ignore the times they didn’t make a mistake and not give themselves any credit or worse subconsciously self sabotage their endeavours in order to maintain the belief “I always make mistakes”.

We can weaponise these words against others, which can be particularly challenging in an argument. An accusation of “You never do the washing up” is likely an unfair assessment and can spark an indignant reaction in the other person.

There is a very simple and effective way of challenging this use of language and the belief that gets constructed around it. If you find yourself saying, “I never get what I want”, simply ask yourself, “Never?” Is it really never? Do you really never get what you want? This interrupts and challenges the belief; it forces you to step back and assess the evidence supporting that statement and realise that it’s simply not true.

If you can break the habit of using these kinds of statements in favour of something not absolute, you give yourself space for other possibilities to become part of your narrative. “I didn’t get what I wanted this time” is much more expansive and leaves room for a different outcome in the future.

It can take time and work to reframe beliefs that have become part of you narrative but by paying attention to the words you use you can begin to become aware of and gently challenge the things you are telling yourself.

The energy drain: why I retired the word hate

This word does not exist in my vocabulary any more. At least I try my best not to use it.

For me, this is about energy. Hate is a word that describes an intensely negative feeling towards something or someone, but it’s not a passive thing. It takes active participation, it’s hungry and requires you to feed it constantly with negativity in order to maintain the feeling. Hate leads people to carry out acts of violence and destruction, and yet it's used so casually by so many. “I hate my job”, “I hate this person”, “I hate chocolate ice cream”

I truly believe that maintaining hate towards something or someone will drain your energy, leaving you tired and angry. Why would anyone want that for themselves? I can honestly say that I don’t feel hate towards anyone or anything. I dislike many things, some very intensely, but not hate. I don’t invest my energy in maintaining a negative feeling, so I just don’t use that word.

I appreciate that not everyone has the same interpretation of this word as me but I do wonder what it would be like if we all stopped throwing around this powerful word so casually and looked for other ways to express our dislike.

Yet: small and perfectly formed

I love using this word. It has the ability to completely flip something from a negative to a positive.

Here’s an example: Imagine you are applying for a promotion at work, it’s a bit of a stretch, you don’t have all the skills, but you really want to learn. The interviewer asks you, “Do you have experience managing people?” Oh no, this was the question you were dreading, you don’t have that experience, and you can’t lie in the interview, so you answer “No, I don’t have that experience.” The end. Discussion over.

Now imagine you slipped in the word yet. “I don’t have that experience yet” changes the vibe of the answer completely, and suddenly, there is opportunity. It gives you space to expand, “I don’t have that experience yet, and I’m really keen to develop those skills”. This is a much more positive and expansive way to answer a question and flips your lack of a particular skill into an opportunity to demonstrate your ability to grow.

Also: expanding beyond

On the theme of expansion and opportunity, here comes my new favourite phrase to use: "and also". It’s great in creative discussions and brainstorming sessions as well as a way to redirect someone without dismissing their ideas, actively fostering and encouraging participation.

Here's an example: replacing the word "but" with "and also" when someone offers you an idea that you don’t agree with. If someone says, "I think we should make our logo bright pink", you might respond with “Good idea, but bright pink is not in line with our brand”. You have shut down this idea and probably discouraged that person from contributing more ideas in the future. You may even have inadvertently fed into their narrative of “I never have good ideas".

Instead, you might say “Good idea and also, what other colours might be more in line with our brand?". You are making the same point without directly contradicting the original idea. You are encouraging deeper thinking on an idea and steering the person gently to consider a point they had not previously considered.

Using "and, also" continually adds to and expands conversations in an inclusive and encouraging way, making it a powerful tool in discussions.

Kindness as standard

This last one is something very personal to me. In the past, I have been very unkind to myself in the way I speak about my appearance, especially my weight and how my body looks, and I imagine many people can relate to this.

“I look fat in this”, “I hate my belly”, and “I wish I had a nicer body” are all things that I have told myself on repeat over many years. These comments usually come at a time when my self-confidence is low, and for whatever reason, I am feeling vulnerable. It became a constant theme in my life. The narrative I was creating for myself left me feeling unworthy and down. I was creating a lot of unnecessary pressure on myself, leading to deep unease and dissatisfaction.

The turning point came during my coaching training when discussing negative self-talk, and I was asked: “Would you say that to your friend or someone you loved?” Of course, the answer is a resounding no; I would not be so unkind to anyone, especially in a moment when they were feeling vulnerable. “Then why are you happy to say that to yourself?” Boom! Lightbulb moment.

I had been talking about myself unkindly for years. The compassion and love I express to others through my words completely evaporated when I was speaking to myself. I was overly critical and judgemental about the way I looked, always looking for reasons to berate myself. Unable to take a compliment and always looking for evidence that I was somehow less than because of my experience.

Becoming aware of this and challenging my self-narrative has had a massive impact on my life. I no longer carry the weight (metaphorically speaking) of judgement and disappointment in myself, allowing me to move more freely through life and appreciate the body that I’m in.

Don’t get me wrong, it takes constant awareness and effort to speak to myself with kindness and I still slip into old habits occasionally, but since I made the decision to treat myself with the same compassion as I do others, my life has changed. I speak to myself and about myself with kindness. That’s not to say I deny the feelings that sometimes come up, I just try to navigate them with grace rather than judgement.

So whenever you find yourself speaking negatively about yourself, simply check, “Would I say that to someone I love?”

These are just some examples of how the language we use can have a huge impact on ourselves and others. It takes conscious choice and work to bring about positive changes in our lives, and I think an important first step is bringing awareness to the things we say and think. We have woven many stories about ourselves during our lifetimes, some of which serve to keep us stuck where we are and carrying around heavy energy.

How would it feel to change some of those narratives in something that serves you better? What new story do you want to create for yourself?