How to stop putting everyone else first

Do you feel you put everyone else first?

Do you compare yourself to others?

Do you feel you are not good enough?

Do you feel anxious when your partner or family members seem unhappy?

Do you constantly worry about life?

Do you fear rejection?

Do you feel uncomfortable with change?

Do you feel you are not worthy, or that life feels too difficult?

Do you find it hard to trust your own views and opinions?

If you identify with any of these questions and are asking yourself, “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I be happy?”, the first thing to know is that you are not alone. These areas of your life can change, and you don’t have to feel this way forever.

These thoughts may be deep-rooted, and you may not remember a time when you didn’t feel this way.

These behaviours or thoughts can be understood in many ways, one of which may be codependency. However we describe them, it is possible to develop healthier patterns and build a better relationship with yourself.

Understanding where these thoughts come from

The more we learn about ourselves, the better life can become. These thoughts and behaviours can sometimes be traced back to childhood, and a person may not remember reacting or feeling in a different way.

Our surroundings and experiences shape who we are. So, when a person is unable to develop their own self-worth or learn how to deal with their emotions, this can cause an imbalance. They may learn to measure their own self-worth by other people’s happiness.

This might look like solving their partner’s problems, trying to do the “right” thing to ensure the other person will not leave them, or trying to avoid anyone being angry with them. Ultimately, they may believe that if they put themselves first, they will become unlikeable or unlovable.

These behaviours can cause a person to focus all their attention and energy on another person, creating anxiety, tension and pain. By redressing this balance, they can bring focus back to themselves and regain perspective.

Challenging unhelpful thoughts

Taking a step back and observing these thoughts can help a person notice the part they may be playing in their own pain. Once these patterns have been identified, new habits can be created to address unbalanced emotions and unhelpful thoughts.

Building a relationship with yourself

However challenging this may be, with practice a person can regain a greater sense of control. They can learn to become more assertive, start doing things they enjoy, and set boundaries that support personal growth and a healthier, more balanced life.