Which voice are you listening to?

Learning to recognise your inner critic can help you understand the self-doubt that sometimes holds you back. Here's how I learnt to listen to that voice without letting it make my decisions.

A little while ago I was on a three-day yoga retreat in Somerset. Heaven in so many ways - handing myself over to someone else, being cooked for, the classes and the camaraderie of a group of women away from home.

What I hadn’t expected was how it completely quieted one of my inner voices - the one that holds me back and keeps me nicely in my comfort zone. So much so that I took the plunge and swam outdoors in a lake! Before the weekend I wasn’t even going to take my swimsuit, on the Saturday I decided against it, but on the Sunday, I felt lighter and open to giving it a try. I felt ready. After all, it was sunny and hot, in beautiful surroundings, with a bunch of like-minded women. And thank goodness I did. I loved it!

My lesson? It was only the voices in my head holding me back - the fear of judgment, the fear of getting it wrong, the fear of comparison. Once I noticed and understood it, I could choose to be led by something else - my values of adventure and love of learning, my belief in the power of collaboration (I partnered up with someone who felt just like me!).

Many of us experience an inner critical voice that can contribute to self-doubt and hold us back. One way of understanding this voice is to see it as an attempt to protect us from uncomfortable experiences, such as failure, rejection or judgement.

These patterns of thinking can develop through our experiences, sometimes beginning in childhood. While they may once have helped us navigate difficult situations, they aren't always helpful as we grow and change.

Our inner critic can sometimes tell us we're not good enough or that we'll get things wrong. But these thoughts aren't necessarily facts, and we don't have to let them determine our choices.

How to manage your inner critic

The good news is we can learn to listen to our self-critical thoughts but not be directed by them.  Here’s a brief guide, distilled down from my coaching training and a lot of reading on the topic:

1. Spot it 

If you take just one step, it’s this one. Start to simply notice how you talk to yourself if you make a mistake, or when you feel yourself reacting badly to something or someone, or when you’re about to take a big step or make a decision.

You can ask yourself what you are reacting to, explore the narrative running through your head, and notice the impact on you; your feelings, your actions, your body etc.

2. Get to know it 

If we consider that our inner critic may be trying to protect us from something uncomfortable, we can begin to separate ourselves from these thoughts and get curious about them:

• What might it be trying to keep you safe from?
• Is there a particular event that may have shaped its perspective?  

You can even create a character for it if you like.

3. Manage it  

Once you have a clear picture of it, and what it’s trying to do, you can have some fun playing with different options to quieten and redirect it – different things work for different people.

A few examples are to calm it (what does it need to hear to make it feel safe?), think about what advice you would give a friend in the same situation, or choose a value to be led by instead (this helped me get into that lake!).

For example, if your inner critic tells you that you'll embarrass yourself by trying something new, you might ask whether that thought reflects what's likely to happen or simply something you're worried about. You could then think about which of your values, such as adventure, learning or connection, you would like to guide your next step.

What is the voice in your head holding you back from? What's your equivalent of the lake? Getting to know that inner voice might just have you doing it...

If self-doubt is making it difficult to move forward, a life coach specialising in confidence may be able to help you explore unhelpful thought patterns, recognise your strengths and take steps towards your goals.