What version of you is in your relationship?

We can all show different sides of ourselves in different circumstances. These can be influenced by the many roles we play in our lives, different parts of our personality and the situations we find ourselves in.

Understanding yourself and how you show up with your partner can be valuable in a relationship. Therefore, if you're constantly presenting your partner with a certain version of yourself, then you might not be getting the most out of your relationship.

So, which version of yourself are you presenting to your partner?

Are you presenting the work version, or the parent, the child, fun, outrageous, romantic, lover, friend, complaining, serious, enthusiastic... The list can go on. It will most likely be a mixture of several of these.

Is there, however, one that is more dominant and common?

A couple of examples:

What happens if you carry your work self home to your family? If you are a lawyer and you came home and interrogated your partner, what would that create within your marriage? Or, if you have your own company with a lot of staff who need managing and organising, what might happen if you came home and started managing your partner too? How might that affect the dynamic between you?

When you have children, parenting can understandably become a big part of who you are. Even after the children have gone to bed, it can sometimes be difficult to switch out of 'parent mode'. You might find yourself organising your partner, reminding them what needs doing or explaining how you'd like something done. Your partner may start to feel managed rather than treated as an equal.

You may be required to be the leader and decision-maker at work, but if you bring this home, then life may not be so pleasant. You can come across as domineering and, dare I say, bossy to your partner. If this becomes a regular pattern, it may affect closeness or create tension between you.

In various conditions, we transform into the person we need to be. However, all of these diverse ways of behaving (all of these distinct 'yous') combine to make the person you are.

To help you to create more clarity about this for yourself, try asking yourself the following questions:

• Is the version that you're running for your partner the one that is going to give you the marriage you would like?
• Which version of you will help your partner to feel more loved and special?
• Do you like who you are being around your partner?
• Could your conflicts arise from a lack of separation from your other roles in life?
• Which side of yourself shows up most regularly, and is it the one you want to bring to your relationship?
• Is there a side of yourself that was more present when you first met that you'd like to reconnect with?

If you're unsure, take the time to notice who you are being over the next couple of weeks.

Don't panic; this does not imply that you are in an unhealthy relationship. That isn't the problem here. You may simply have fallen into a pattern that no longer gives either of you quite what you need from the relationship.

If you recognise this in yourself and/or your partner, you can:

• Be aware of who you are being within your relationship and who you would like to be.
• Notice when you're bringing your work role into your relationship and give yourself time to shift out of it.
• Where possible, create some time together where your relationship isn't only about parenting or running the household.
• Think about who you want to be when with your partner, and bring that part of you to your time together.

Which sides of yourself would you like to bring more of into your relationship?