When life is good… and anxiety still shows up

You’ve made the changes. You’re sleeping better. You’re eating well, drinking less (or not at all), and showing up fully in your relationships. You’ve even landed the dream job – the one you worked hard for, the one that finally feels aligned.

And then, anxiety creeps in.

For one of my clients, this was a moment of deep confusion. Everything in his external world looked better than it ever had. He was thriving by most definitions – and yet, his body kept sending him into fight-or-flight mode.

Tight chest. Racing heart. Tears for no clear reason. A lingering sense of dread.
And the worst part? The internal narrative: “Why am I like this?”, “Shouldn’t I be past this by now?”

I recognised it instantly – because I’ve been there too.

After my own period of burnout and big life changes, I remember thinking: “Surely, things should feel better by now?” But instead of peace, what I felt was panic.

It made no sense – until it did.

Anxiety is more than worrying or overthinking

Anxiety is often misunderstood as irrational worry or overthinking. But it’s far deeper than that.

Anxiety is a protective response – a signal from the body that something might not be safe. It’s fear, projected into the future, often based on past experience.

It comes from a survival system that’s doing its best to keep you alive. The trouble is that the system is ancient. It evolved to help us run from tigers, not to manage emails, pressure, or the fear of being seen.

Your nervous system doesn’t distinguish between actual danger and emotional discomfort. It reacts to both. That’s why anxiety can strike even when life seems objectively great.

When life improves, why does anxiety show up?

What many people don’t realise is that anxiety often surfaces not in chaos, but in calm.

When we finally stop running, coping, distracting... the feelings we’ve been carrying have space to surface. When we stop numbing with work, alcohol, or “doing,” we’re left with… ourselves. Our thoughts. Our history.

It’s uncomfortable, but it’s not wrong. In fact, it’s part of the healing.

I remember when I started removing my own coping mechanisms, after years of pushing, performing, and ignoring what my body was trying to tell me. There was a moment when the anxiety actually got louder. It felt unfair. But now I understand: it was my system detoxing from years of high alert. Learning how to feel safe again.

The nervous system needs time

Dr. Stephen Porges' polyvagal theory explains this beautifully. Our nervous system constantly scans for danger (or safety) – a process called neuroception. It works beneath conscious thought.

If you’ve lived in survival mode, even subconsciously, it takes time for your body to believe that the danger has passed.

So when my client said, “I’ve done everything right, why do I still feel like this?” I could say, with honesty and empathy, “Because your body hasn’t caught up to your life yet. And that’s OK.”

This is where self-compassion changes everything.

In moments like these, what we need most isn’t more doing. It’s more self-compassion.

Dr. Kristin Neff, one of the leading voices in this space, describes self-compassion as offering yourself the same warmth and care you’d give to a struggling friend.

She identifies three elements:

1. Mindfulness – acknowledging that something is hard.
2. Common humanity – remembering we all suffer sometimes.
3. Kindness – responding with softness, not judgment.

I’ve leaned on this more times than I can count. During anxiety spikes, during low-energy days, and during those quiet moments of doubt.

It’s not a fix. But it is a foundation.

When I say to myself, “This is tough right now, but I’m not alone and I don’t need to be perfect to be worthy", something shifts. My body softens. My system feels seen.

That’s the power of self-compassion.

Practical tools that help (and that I still use)

1. Reframe the anxiety

Instead of “What’s wrong with me?” try “My body is learning I’m safe now.”

This shift changed everything for me. It reduces panic and builds understanding.

2. Ground your body

It’s easy to overthink. But anxiety often lives in the body. Here are a few grounding practices I use regularly:

• 4/6/8 breathing: inhale for 4, hold for 6, exhale for 8.
• Silent walking: without podcasts or input – just awareness.
• Movement breaks: stretching, shaking, or humming to reset my system.

These aren’t fancy. But they work because they speak the language of the body.

3. Thank the old coping mechanisms

At one point, things like overworking, drinking, or emotional numbing helped you survive.
When I learned to thank those behaviours instead of shaming myself, I began to feel less stuck and freer to choose differently.

“I did the best I could with what I had. And now I choose something new.”

4. Unpack the real fear

Anxiety often disguises itself as general unease when it’s really something deeper.

Sometimes my own anxiety wasn’t about the situation, it was about:

• being visible
• disappointing someone
• losing something I’d worked hard for

Try asking, “What am I afraid might happen now that life feels good?”

5. Talk to yourself like someone you love

There’s a reason I repeat this all the time:

The way you talk to yourself matters.

Not just for mindset, but for your body’s ability to feel safe, regulated, and supported.

When I shifted my self-talk from criticism to care, my whole nervous system responded differently.

Growth can feel like fear

If you're in a new chapter and anxiety is showing up… You’re not broken. You’re adjusting.

This is something I’ve lived. And it’s something I support clients through, time and time again.

You’re not going backwards. You’re not failing. You’re feeling, and that’s part of healing.

Take the pressure off. Be kind. Go slow.

You’re doing better than you think.

References

• Dr. Kristin Neff – What is Self-Compassion: https://self-compassion.org/what-is-self-compassion/
• Polyvagal Institute – What is Polyvagal Theory: https://www.polyvagalinstitute.org/whatispolyvagaltheory
• Dr. Stephen Porges – Polyvagal Theory: For a comprehensive explanation, visit the Polyvagal Institute or read Porges' foundational work.
• Dr. Kristin Neff – Research on Self-Compassion: https://self-compassion.org/the-research/