What does ‘feeling stuck’ mean for men?

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'Feeling stuck' is a common phrase, particularly in the health and well-being space. I hear it a lot and as a coach, I definitely use the term probably way too much! But some words really do help to visualise the situation. That feeling of helplessness, frustration, uncertainty, feeling lost and confused. More often than not, this ‘stuckness’ for men manifests in a complex form of depression that can spiral into more serious problems such as addictions, self-abuse and suicide. That’s why I take this so-called ‘catchphrase’ seriously. It matters.

But as men, do we recognise this state and understand the importance of taking action, rather than zombie-walk ourselves into oblivion?

It’s an unfortunate fact that one in 4 people experience mental health issues. 792 million people globally. Men aged 40-49 have the highest suicide rates in the UK (Source: Mental Health First Aid England). 

But there’s a stigma attached to the whole subject of ‘mental’ health. Just that word alone is often associated with being ‘crazy’, or ‘mad’. Is this one of the reasons men don’t come forward until they’re broke or stuck? I suspect it’s a big contributing factor. Historically, men as a rule don’t do sharing. Our ‘How are you?’ conversations start with a ‘Yeah, good, mate,’ and end right there. But stigma on the subject comes from misunderstanding. Vulnerability is a strength. Tackling the silence for men and openly talking about our feelings is the game changer.

When I personally visualise this ‘stuck’ feeling, I actually imagine being on a slow-moving merry-go-round at a fair with the fair-like music in the background whirring in an out-of-tune, distorted fashion. I want to get off the ride but my feet are strapped to the floor so I can’t move! I’m forced to watch the world go by without being able to be a part. I do have a vivid imagination but you get the point.


So how does this feeling show up?

  • Unsure of your place in the world – Why am I here? What’s my purpose?
  • Increased lack of passion towards anything.
  • Mentally unable to engage or see meaning in things (not present).
  • Unable to see a clear path to your future – in ‘no man’s land.’
  • Treading water in life rather than seeking personal growth.
  • Questioning your choices to date.
  • Loss of identity – what used to matter now doesn’t or you're unclear on what your values/beliefs are now.
  • Confidence depletion/fragile self-esteem and sense of feeling lost.
  • Tied down by commitments that no longer seem valid.
  • Unclear on your next move – career, relationships, family, finances, health…

The list goes on...

My story:

In 2015, I was burnt out from my career, I had developed chronic health problems (stress-invoked nervous system dysregulation) as a result of my lifestyle and - quite frankly - my mindset; I had limiting beliefs and suppressed emotional trauma as a result of my childhood. I was absorbed with negative self-talk, anxious and overwhelmed and I felt that I was ‘stuck’ and didn’t have a purpose or direction. I existed but I wasn’t living my life in a way that felt authentic. Let’s say, I wasn’t very compassionate or kind to myself.

I tried my best to untangle my unhappiness with work, trying career change from public to private and back again, full-time to part-time and even relocations, but fundamentally I didn’t know what success for me looked like.

I needed guidance, steering, not from a multitude of self-help books but from within. I just didn’t know how. I wanted happiness and fulfilment I just didn’t know how to reach it consistently. As a family man I look back now and realise that I was all-consumed by this need to become unstuck and clearly, I wasn’t always present which quite frankly hurts. It’s the main reason I chose to do what I do now – to help others.

I would argue that this ‘stuck’ feeling is stronger in men simply down to our make-up. As men, we are hard-wired to be ‘strong’, have a purpose, strive for more, push for success, explore the unknown, challenge boundaries, and compete with each other and ourselves. We must be ‘better’ and as powerful as we can be and find our place in the world. We must provide for our family and ensure their safety. All of this requires ambition and momentum to move forward towards something that we hope will make us feel better in ourselves.

Most of all, men need purpose and a sense of direction. If we lose it, we question ourselves and our internal compass loses the magnetism required to keep the needle moving.

Somewhere along the line, we can lose that purpose and often entwined with this is a lack of self-awareness. Being aware of what’s most important to you is key here. How can we find our direction if we don’t understand what is really important to us or if we can’t decipher our feelings, let alone express them?

Understanding the ‘Why's?’ is the first step to answering the ‘How's’, What’s’ and the ‘When's’.

Men can be type-cast pretty often. Beer-drinking, sport-obsessed, non-emotional, sex-driven. And we don’t help ourselves here – we often live up to that stereotype. More by mass agreement than individual choice. But I tend to disagree with the often one-dimensional offering that is portrayed on social media, TV, marketing, etc. I believe we are all of that and more. I think as men we have evolved a lot and are evolving but the world is changing at such a rate too that it brings into question our very identity (I’m sure this is true for women, too). The increasing amount of information we now have to process as humans is bewildering. We simply are not designed to deal with it and that itself will require a new evolution that no doubt we are in the midst of.

My point is that, as men, this requires more awareness of our feelings and emotions in order to then calculate what it is we want and who we want to be. In some ways, we are victims of fast-paced information overload vs slower evolution. The choices offered are unlimited but that in itself creates confusion. ‘Can’t see the wood for the trees’ syndrome comes to mind.

The good news?

Feeling ‘stuck’ doesn’t have to be a permanent state of mind. The beauty of neuroplasticity (the ability to learn new ways of thinking) is that we can change our thoughts and can navigate a new life path that propels us forward figuratively.

Once you understand the difference between perception and reality, you can begin to accept your current thoughts, feelings and beliefs may not be complete truths. As you become more accepting of this you will realise you can alter or change any limiting beliefs and ultimately update your mind map.

But, practically, how do we work towards feeling ‘unstuck’?

This requires working on emotional resilience and mindset.

  • Acceptance – acknowledge the way you feel.
  • Reflection on your responses and what you can learn from reactions.
  • Self-awareness – bringing awareness to behaviour that has been learnt can ignite power to find solutions.
  • Self-compassion – be mindful of the language you use and the way you talk to yourself.
  • Talking – sharing your thoughts, working on finding clarity.
  • Becoming clear on what you want rather than don’t want. What is important to you? What are your core values?
  • Action – small steps towards your new clear goal.

It is absolutely true that certain activities can help improve men’s mental health and well-being. Such activities might include:

  • Movement – e.g. Gym, running, cycling, team sports, etc.
  • Spending time in nature – e.g. walking the dog in the local park.
  • Socialising – connecting with others with common interests.
  • Learning a new skill/hobby – enhances self-esteem.
  • Giving – volunteering to help others through acts of kindness.
  • Mindfulness – practising being present in the moment, being curious and observant of your thoughts, environment… Slow down and get used to being still.
  • Breathing exercises.

However, it is a misconception for men to think doing exercise is enough to stay mentally fit too! Just like the body requires work to keep good levels of fitness, our mind is no different and is often neglected.

It is a fact that our brain consumes around 20% of all the body's energy so surely this is an area that shouldn’t be neglected if we expect optimum performance and robust mental health.

You can clean and polish the exterior of your car every week but if you don’t regularly service the engine, or lubricate the parts, eventually it’s going to break down.

I’m pleased to say that this is definitely changing and now we are seeing more and more men recognising the need to constantly work on their mindset through supported therapy, counselling, coaching and mentoring.

How can coaching help? 

In coaching, we use different tools and techniques to help untangle feelings of being stuck. But even if men can continue to open up, remove the silence, change the dialogue and comfortably be more vulnerable, I have confidence that we can begin to positively impact the current mental health stats.

Coaching men has taught me that they just want to know exactly what they have to do to move forward – to become ‘unstuck’. They can appreciate their dilemma and begin to accept how they became ‘stuck’ but can sometimes be impatient to find the answers. But it’s understanding that this very instinct to push and conquer is sometimes the opposite approach to changing your mindset. I’m here to tell you (through experience) that it’s the journey of discovery, the small steps, the 1% actions done consistently over time, that ‘cut the mustard’.

As I can personally attest to, it’s sometimes hard to figure it all out yourself despite manly efforts to do so. But you are not alone. I was reluctant to get help from others but doing so has changed the ‘stuck’ feeling to one of ‘empowerment’. I want that for everyone!


Resources

I’m a big advocate for men’s support groups such as:

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author. All articles published on Life Coach Directory are reviewed by our editorial team.

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Harrogate HG2 & London WC1B
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Written by Russ Bignell
Personal Development Coach | Men's Coaching | Online
location_on Harrogate HG2 & London WC1B
Russ is a dedicated life coach specialising in supporting men of all ages who find themselves at a crossroads in life. Whether feeling lost, stressed, burnt out, or simply treading water, Russ offers personalised coaching to help men regain their sen...
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