Why feedback can feel painful

Sometimes feedback is like water off a duck’s back. At other times, it lands hard, pierces your confidence and leaves you wondering why it hurt so much.

I started thinking about when feedback feels painful.

When feedback feels painful

When I am busy and short of time

I push the big flat hand in the giver’s face. My tether is short, and I don’t give it the attention it deserves.

When I am doing something new, complex or hard

My thinking brain is focused on getting it right, and my social skills are not my top priority, so the feedback is not welcome.

When I have invested everything in the outcome

You may know this one. It’s exactly how you feel on interview or promotion day. If it goes your way, great. If it doesn’t, your whole future can feel as though it is spiralling away.

When I feel threatened

Perhaps someone around me is being political and trying to win points. Perhaps I know I am going to come last. Perhaps I can’t keep the act up any more.

When their comments align with my own beliefs

This can bring my inner critic right to the front and centre of my brain. For me, this is by far the biggest influence on how I feel about the feedback I receive. The more I believe their input to be true, the more it hurts. It’s like getting caught with your hand in the cookie jar.

I am sure there are many more examples, and that you will have your own. In all of these moments, it is obvious that I am not functioning at my best, and feedback may trigger a negative reaction.

I bet you can recall a time when feedback sparked frustration, aggression, fear, self-doubt or a feeling of being bullied, disliked, lonely, incapable or on the outside. All of these are painful.

Research suggests that emotional distress and physical pain can be closely connected, and that our emotional state may affect how resilient we feel. So, at times of low resilience, even well-intentioned feedback is likely to feel more hurtful.

So what can we do about it?

The big message is: build resilience.

• Care for yourself emotionally. This can support everything from managing burnout to improving your relationships and feeling more comfortable in your own skin.
• Manage your wellbeing through movement, meditation, nourishing food, sleep and creativity.
• Every time you receive feedback that hurts, stop and take a moment to recognise your situation.
• Take more time if you need it. A day, a week or even longer may be necessary. If you notice something you don’t like, you may need time to process it.
• Take ownership. Invest in yourself and use external independent support, such as a coach or counsellor, if you are going round in circles or going through a difficult time.
• Once you are through the pain, look at the feedback again and review it as data. Gather other sources too.
• Get a good mentor, someone independent, to help you analyse the data, stay grounded and hold up a mirror so you can see your behaviours.
• Practise receiving feedback. Managing how you respond is a skill that you need to nurture.

A final observation is that sometimes feedback is so hard that we seek reasons to dismiss it:

• “My manager is rubbish.”
• “They don’t know me.”
• “If they saw the big picture then...”
• “They aren’t as senior as me, so...”
• “Change? They can’t possibly get it.”

When that happens, we may lose an opportunity to know more about the relationship the feedback-giver has with us. We may also miss an opportunity to see where the feedback could help us know ourselves better.

We can sidestep opportunities to become more robust, hardier, more feisty, to have more bounce, to be more supple and to flourish.

So, every time you receive feedback that hurts, stop and take a moment to recognise your situation. Caring for your emotional resilience can help.