Rewarded for not having needs. Sounds familiar? Here’s why

So you were a “good” child, you did everything without complaint. I had a child who was rewarded for not having needs and l so wish that l knew then what l know now. Which is why l am writing this article.

It was not because there was a lack of love but, more because l was running on empty myself, not knowing how to self-care, and also having “been” rewarded for not having needs myself.

That however does not change the problems it caused later for me and for my own child. We often pass on the effects of our own experiences to our children when we are not made aware.

I am hoping to pass on the awareness here to you who are reading now.

Likely is, this child got to school and walked back from school. Maybe let themselves into an empty home. Or even if they were taken and collected as l was, the focus was never on you, the child. If you got your homework in on time. Agreed with whatever was made for dinner, or maybe when able and older, learnt how to make dinner. Piles of nice notes left and handmade gifts, and everyone else’s special events were always remembered whilst so much about you was overlooked. Waited when others were late. Or in my case, simply disappeared without explanation.

Nobody needed to ask or to wonder how you were, because you never gave them cause to. Independent you read or amused yourself. Or parented your own parent.

Your identity became applauded by never asking or needing. Rewarded and “known” once again, for never asking. Valued for always holding up the walls of another’s temple.

Exhausting and lonely. But normalised so much that it became your role. Whilst your own identity was unknown not just to your parents but worse still to you.

So the message that this young soul receives is that, l am loved for not needing. Seen through my invisibility and known for my appreciated silence.

Here what is mirrored back is not their value, because their value is never explored. There is no room for it in the chaos of the insecurity. Only for what instead they can give or do.

In the background, all this good behaviour might have been a parent that was just about coping, most likely the mother, maybe running on fumes, or maybe badly let down by the father, or the current boyfriend. So it was always “jam tomorrow”, and the good child’s job became saving and making things better so the mother didn’t fall apart.

Here we have a very common dynamic in homes where the mother is very badly let down, simply because when you treat a child’s mother badly there will be a child or children who will be being treated badly too alongside her. 

How many men know this? How many men do this?

Neither is fair and neither is right, however, young mothers unless they are supported properly fall into this sad dynamic and are not even aware of what it is doing to ruin the psyche and self-esteem of their child and the problems that this causes for their children later on for them into adulthood.

This happened in my home, the home where l struggled to bring up my 2 children, where most especially my daughter was plunged into a role of saving which she should never ever have been placed in.

So there is a lot of fear of making ends meet in the household. Fear of not either being enough or of having enough, for both parent and child. The doing is never done, because there is never quite enough to cover anything, and the struggle is silent but lives nevertheless deep inside.

Please realise.

For the child, there is no way that a little person, who lives in a feeling world, where their executive functioning has not even been developed yet, should be feeling that it is their job to keep their mother safe emotionally, knowing that she is struggling to cope financially and in so many other ways despite doing her best. I worked 5 jobs just to put food on the table. Yes, it was very hard and sometimes very frightening. But the lasting effects this has on the child puts that child in the role of fixing and saving and putting others first in their relationships when they enter adulthood. So their “well” is perpetually empty.

This is not an emotional legacy any loving mother wishes to leave behind and yet might be doing because she is not aware. It is also hard to identify later on in life and yet is the cause of so much pain in relationships.

So how can we change this and help someone who might be reading this right now?

Here is some help

It is important for parents to know that children live in a feeling world. In the sympathetic part of their brain. 

They do not have executive functioning skills. They cannot work out the “why” and the “where” of things. If there is fear or lack, they believe that it has something to do with them. They cannot identify the situation or the causation. 

They only know if their mummy and yes it is mostly the mothers here, is sad or worried or afraid that they somehow have to save or help, otherwise what will happen? To her and to them. To add to this they will also believe it has something to do with them and who they are. They cannot reason or differentiate. Please know. Children cannot do this.

They need to be told, in a difficult situation, as in mummy is sad, or worried or tired but not because of you but because of something else. 

Then the child can relax and not feel burdened. They do not identify with the pain or the lack.  These dynamics need to be addressed and explained. The focus should be on the child’s world and pursuits and interests. Talking about their feelings should be encouraged and come first. 

It is also not a good idea to talk about relationship problems with your children. Sadly today these lines are very blurred. Too much is known too soon and childhood which is a time of innocence is injured because of it.

As a parent reach out and try and find a friend, therapist or family member to discuss worries and problems with. 

Not your child. 

They will sense if you are troubled so once again it is so important to talk about how this is not because of them. Try also not to say bad things about the other parent to them. They need to make up their own minds about their parents, instead of being influenced.

Try to encourage a safe environment for your child’s self-expression, through art, or creative pursuits.

Children flourish by mirroring. What l mean by this is that they see themselves back by you seeing them. By your enquiry, by meeting them in their world. This encourages essential stages of their development, which create healthy self-esteem and worth and feelings of security. Otherwise, they will always be entering into the world of someone rather than being met on their own.

Make time for them. Their play, their interests. Your focus, your time just for them. They need your time and focus MORE than anything else you can give them.

Do not make promises that you don’t deliver and expect them to understand. They won’t they will feel let down and unimportant.

So when things are hard, despite whatever the difficulties are, they feel valued and cherished not for what they do alone, but for who they are. That their uniqueness is your joy. Doing these things for them will pay you back in the dividends of their happiness in life.

Awareness is the key to change. I say this again and again because it is so true. If you are a parent who is aware, you can make better choices which will in turn govern your child’s sense of security and happiness.

What could be better than the gift of your care and focus on your child’s needs? As a mother now of 2 young adults l can tell you, for them, absolutely nothing you could ever buy.