9 ways to communicate more positively with your child

When you are having a difficult time with one of your children, it’s natural to worry about it, talk about it with your partner and friends and pay attention to the behaviour that’s troubling you. Are you then inclined to think this behaviour is happening more often than it really is?

You can address the balance by paying attention to the good things that are happening, the good behaviour and remarking on it. Making a conscious effort to notice positive behaviour can help create a more balanced picture of what’s happening.

9 ways to communicate more positively with your child

1. Focus on what your children and teenagers do well

Pay attention to the things they are doing well and let them know when you notice.

2. Introducing the feedback sandwich

Do you find your child switches off when you tell them off, criticise them or nag them? When conversations become heated, children and teenagers may find it harder to engage with what we’re trying to communicate.

Instead, you could use a feedback sandwich. Start by mentioning something positive you’ve noticed about their behaviour. Then tell them what you’d like to see more of or less of, and finally reinforce this with an encouraging ending.

3. Tell them what you DO want

We’ve all used the ‘don’t’ word, haven’t we? We tell them ‘don’t do this’ and ‘don’t do that’.

Clear instructions about what you would like them to do can be easier to follow than simply telling them what not to do.

For example, instead of saying ‘don’t run’, you might say ‘please walk’.

4. Be clear about what you’re asking

Rather than relying on vague instructions, be specific about what you would like them to do and make sure the request is realistic for their age and the situation.

Clear instructions can make it easier for children to understand what is expected of them.

5. Be the behaviour you want

Children can learn a great deal from the behaviour they see around them, so show them what you want from them.

Think about whether you are modelling the communication and behaviour you are asking from them.

6. Speak calmly and clearly

Aim to speak calmly and clearly. Slowing down rather than raising your voice may help keep the conversation from becoming more heated.

7. Encourage them to think things through

Even very small children can begin to work things out for themselves, and you can encourage them to do this as they grow.

Ask questions that help children and teenagers consider their choices, the possible consequences and what they think might be a good solution.

8. See the situation from their perspective

Children see things differently. Behaviour that feels difficult to us may make more sense when we consider the situation from their point of view.

Imagine you are in their shoes; would you really want to stop playing or watching TV to go shopping, to school or to bed?

9. Be specific

Tell them precisely what it is that you’re pleased about so they know what to do more of.

Simply telling them to ‘be good’ or ‘do as you’re told’ is vague. Specific feedback such as ‘thank you for putting your things away when I asked’ makes it much clearer what you appreciated.

What works will depend on your child’s age, personality, development and the situation, so these ideas are best treated as approaches to experiment with rather than rules.