How to build a better relationship with yourself

Have you ever felt insecure, incompetent or inadequate?

If so, you are not alone. Many people, including people who appear highly successful from the outside, have spoken about feeling this way too.

If you had parents or teachers who criticised you as a child for not being perfect, or not living up to their expectations, you may have created negative thoughts and limiting beliefs.

Many of my clients tell me:

“I’m not very good at presenting to a team.”

“I don’t feel comfortable asking for a raise or promotion.”

“I don’t see myself as leadership material.”

We can reinforce the negative statements fed to us earlier in life, which may become core beliefs. Our behaviour can then change to match our belief system, and these learned behaviours can contribute to low self-esteem and a lack of confidence. Then we sit in fear, procrastination and trepidation and convince ourselves that these core beliefs are real.

A thought is a thought, and a thought can be changed.

Every time you convince yourself you are not smart enough, good enough or talented enough, you erode your self-confidence and decrease your self-esteem.

Opportunities pass you by.

How can you build a better relationship with yourself?

Here are three ways:

1. Check in with yourself

Ask: “What do I want? What do I feel? What am I thinking?” This empowers you. I suggest journaling to really form a bond with yourself. Set aside 10 minutes each morning or before you go to sleep. The rewards can be enormous. You could surprise yourself with what you discover. It’s essential that you do not analyse or edit; just free-flow.

2. Notice disempowering words

Are you using disempowering, discounting words which undermine you? For example, “I could be wrong but...” or “I’m not exactly an expert at that but...”, “I’m not really sure”, or “I think perhaps...”

Instead, use phrases such as “Here’s how I see it”, “I have a different perspective”, “What I do know for sure is...” and “I am certain...”

3. Honour and cherish yourself

Take yourself on a date to a restaurant, show, gallery or spa. Turn your phone off and enjoy and appreciate yourself.

Remove the habit of self-rebuke and start acknowledging your strengths. Commit to yourself, and you can begin to change the habit of rejecting yourself. It requires awareness, discipline and focus to form a new habit - all of which are traits that can be well-nurtured through coaching.

I hope this has been insightful and helpful, and that you leave feeling motivated and inspired.