How to let go of perfectionism and embrace ‘good enough’

How often do the phrases “anything worth doing is worth doing well” or “practice makes perfect” come into your head? For some people, trying to keep up with their inner perfectionist can begin to affect their wellbeing and enjoyment of everyday life.

Perfectionism isn’t always the enemy, though. Having high standards isn't necessarily a problem. Wanting to do something well can motivate us; difficulties can arise when anything short of perfection starts to feel like failure.

For some people, perfectionism can become closely tied to self-worth. They may feel that their value depends on what they achieve or how others see them, making criticism or mistakes particularly difficult. Striving for perfection can then become a way of trying to protect themselves from criticism or disapproval.

Do you recognise any of these patterns?

• A fear of making mistakes or of being a failure. Mistakes may feel damaging to your self-worth or leave you worrying about what others will think.
• A fear of disapproval or not being accepted if others see that you are not perfect.
• A focus on ‘should’ rather than ‘it would be good if’ – which means you may ignore your own wants and desires.
• An expectation of perfection from others.
• A belief that others achieve excellence more easily than you do.
• A difficulty in asking for help and accepting help.
• Being competitive in many situations.
  A need to do something ‘just right’ or not at all, rather than accepting that sometimes 'good enough is good enough'.

Gemma, 43, is a self-confessed perfectionist. She has a successful career as a solicitor but puts herself under a huge amount of pressure trying to achieve perfection in all areas of her life.

“Everything I do has to be perfect and better than anyone else, whether it’s in my job or baking cupcakes for a school fair. I also have extremely high expectations of my own behaviours and those of my children. This means I constantly feel stressed. I have very little time to do anything I want to do, and I don’t get to enjoy it when I do, as I’m worrying that it isn’t good enough.”

So how can you break this cycle of perfectionism?

• Check that your expectations are realistic. Can you really expect to attend every school event, field trip and committee meeting, as well as keeping up with friends and running your own business?
• Be yourself. This can be more challenging than trying to present a perfect version of yourself, but it allows you to focus less on meeting impossible standards.
• Allow yourself to be imperfect. You don’t have to hide every mistake or imperfection from other people.
• Accept your mistakes. To be human is to be fallible. Look for the lesson in them instead.
• Stop black-and-white thinking. For example: 'I’m either the best at my job or I’m going to get fired'; 'I’m either the most involved mum at school or I’m a bad mother'. Find a middle ground. It’s OK to be good enough.
• Take small steps. If you procrastinate about a job because you’re scared about making a mistake, then break the job down into smaller steps.
• Notice how competitive situations affect you. If they consistently trigger unhelpful comparison or pressure, consider whether you need to approach them differently or step back from some of them.

Practising these approaches may help you loosen some of the pressure that comes with trying to get everything exactly right. It’s helpful to remember that good enough really can be good enough and that mistakes can also provide an opportunity to learn and change.

Changing your thinking and behaviours doesn’t happen overnight and requires practice - and this time, practice doesn’t need to be perfect!