Taking your life back after abuse

Trauma from emotional and psychological abuse is common and often misunderstood. It can feel very lonely and isolating. One way to help someone know that they are not alone is to write about it.

The abuse I’m writing about today is often linked with narcissistic patterns of behaviour. These tactics can be overt or covert, and it is important to understand that this can be a serious and dangerous form of abuse. The person using these behaviours may not change, and the abuse may continue while the relationship dynamic remains the same.

If you are aware that you are, or have been, in an abusive relationship, what can you do?

Be proud of yourself

You’ve realised there’s a serious problem and you are moving into a place of knowledge and acceptance.

Understand that you have choices

The person using abusive behaviour may have made you feel powerless, but recognising what is happening can help you begin to see your options.

Learn and research

Knowledge can help put an end to the feeling that it is your fault, that you are too sensitive, or that you are going mad.

Recognise the conditioning

You may have been manipulated into pleasing, caring for and rescuing others, perhaps over many years.

Name the behaviour

Some people find it helpful to use an image or phrase that helps them see the dynamic more clearly. My term is the “Wizard of Oz”. Look behind the curtain and you may begin to see that the power they appeared to have depended, in part, on you continuing to play your role.

Find a trusted confidante and seek specialist professional support

You may benefit from seeking counselling to help you deal with past trauma, or a coach may help you look forward. Whatever you decide is right for you, it is important that the professional understands this form of abuse and how to support you safely.

Withdraw from the game

You may not be able to win, educate, rationalise or convince the person that they are the problem. Repeatedly trying to do so can keep you tied into the same painful cycle.

Consider your position

Are there other people involved in the dynamic? Are others continuing the abuse on the person’s behalf? This can happen in families, workplaces or friendship groups, where pressure is passed through other people.

Be smart and start to see the patterns

Look out for guilt-making, lies and confusion-making. Over time, it may become clearer that there are repeated patterns, and that you can begin to respond differently.

Anger and a need for justice can feel very strong

These feelings are understandable. Your recovery and your safety matter.

Sometimes no contact, or low contact, is the safest way forward

Cutting ties can be complicated and may not always be immediately possible. Specialist professional support can help you explore your options and take steps safely.

Most importantly, remember that no one has the right to harm you. You can create new boundaries, seek support and begin to live a life where it is OK to meet your own needs.

If you feel unsafe, or if you are being harassed, stalked or threatened, seek specialist support as soon as possible. You may also wish to seek legal advice or contact the police in an emergency.