How emotional intelligence can help us respond to stress

I wanted to cover here the relationship between stress and emotional intelligence (EI), and how EI may help us respond when we feel stressed rather than becoming overwhelmed by our emotions.

If being emotionally intelligent involves identifying and managing your emotions – and, as a result, being able to relate well to and tune in to others – then stress can make these skills harder to use. Appreciating the links between how we think, feel and behave is clearly going to be helpful here.

EI is something we may be able to develop, helping us to understand ourselves and others if we’re motivated to do so: to present the best version of ourselves or improve our relationships, for example. This is not about controlling or suppressing emotions, but recognising them and choosing how we respond.

It’s worth remembering that stress, anxiety or low mood can sometimes be understandable responses to difficult life circumstances. We might say to ourselves: “I can handle it, it’s short-term, a ‘one-off ’, and it isn’t affecting me adversely, or affecting my relationships, wellbeing or work.” Even then, it can be helpful to notice how we are feeling and whether anything is beginning to change.

If stress is getting in the way, however, how might we use or develop our EI skills to respond?

Let’s look at where our emotions come from and how our beliefs and attitudes towards ourselves, others and the world, along with our thoughts, feelings and behaviours, can influence one another.

We may be better able to use our EI skills when facing a challenge or potentially stressful situation if we ask ourselves one or more of the following questions, or try one of these suggestions:

• Is my response proportionate to what is happening, or is something else contributing to how I feel?
• How would someone I admire handle this?
• What advice would I give my best friend here?
• Remember a time when you handled something similar well or were resourceful in the past.
• In the moment, slow your breathing and notice each breath.
• What’s the most balanced interpretation I can put on this situation?
• How would I deal with this situation if I were being kind to myself?
• Bring a mantra or mnemonic to mind, such as ICDT: I Can Do This, or GYAB: Give
• Yourself A Break.
• Bring to mind a grounding reminder, such as: ‘Life isn’t always fair’, ‘The goalposts can move’, or ‘Nothing is guaranteed’.
• What might help me put this situation into perspective?
• Decide that you’re going to try to make the best of things rather than the worst.
• Is there a different vantage point from which I could look at this situation?
• Stop and look at your feelings rather than from your feelings: What am I experiencing?

These are just some ideas to get you thinking and experimenting. They won’t be the whole answer, and we may need to look at our beliefs and attitudes, some of which may be unhelpful, but they may help.

What we’re looking for is to use our emotional intelligence skills more consistently, while accepting that this may be more difficult on some occasions than others. Emotions themselves aren’t the problem, and getting emotional isn’t the problem. Strong or prolonged stress can, however, make it more difficult to think clearly, learn from a situation and present the best version of ourselves.