Six ways to self-acceptance

A familiar topic for these times is the notion that we should ‘accept ourselves’ the way we are. We’re beautiful human beings, and if others don’t like us as we are, then tough.

A lack of self-acceptance can be influenced by:

• Aiming for perfection and holding ideals or standards that are impossible, or nearly impossible, to achieve. Nothing is better designed to make us feel like a failure than believing nothing we do is ever good enough.
• Comparing ourselves with others or with an ideal that we’re told we should aim for.
• Being highly critical or judgemental, making a judgement about how something is rather than allowing it simply to be.

All of these may have roots in our belief systems and the ways we have learned to respond. We can begin developing these beliefs as young children, influenced by our caregivers and many other experiences. With the best will in the world, every parent or caregiver will have expressed frustration about a young person’s behaviour. It might sound something like ‘you’re lazy’ when, actually, the young person has simply chosen other priorities over tidying their room. Or, ‘you always leave things to the last minute’ when homework is overdue.

These experiences can affect the meaning we attach to situations and influence our emotions and behaviour. Equally, certain kinds of praise can have an unintended impact. Repeatedly telling a child that they’re ‘so smart’ may lead them to favour things they know they’ll be good at, helping them live up to that reputation.

Taking time to reflect allows us to consider whether a response is helpful and whether believing or responding in a different way would lead to more useful and rewarding behaviours. This change can be a challenge, and ‘when I’m rich’ or ‘when I have a new job’ can often get in the way of exploring new things. Although hearing good things about us from other people as adults is always lovely, beliefs developed by our younger selves may still need to be challenged.

This article can’t go into all the ways that you can bring about positive changes, but here are a few practical suggestions. Remember, although self-acceptance – acknowledging every part of yourself, including the ‘shadow’ parts – is different from self-esteem, which concerns how valuable we see ourselves as a whole person, increasing one may bring positive changes in the other.

Six ways to find self-acceptance

1. Start by making a list of 10 things you like about yourself. This might feel a bit awkward, but keep trying. Add one thing every day.
2. Remember that when you behave in a way you’d rather not, it’s just a behaviour. Bad behaviour doesn’t necessarily mean that you are a bad person.
3. Judgement is often at the bottom of a lack of self-acceptance. So, if there’s a part of yourself that you struggle with, try simply noticing it without attaching any meaning to it.
4. There are often thoughts running through our heads that reinforce our lack of self-acceptance, including that inner critic: ‘I told you that you’re not pretty enough’ or ‘I’m never any good at networking’. Instead of trying to hide them, push them away or ignore them, write them down in jumbled-up writing or say them aloud in a funny voice. See whether they feel different now.
5. When things don’t go the way you intended, reflect on what you can take away from the experience. How could you behave differently next time? What could you say or think that might change the outcome?
6. Finally, what would the opposite of that thing or part of yourself be? Is this something you could try on? One way of learning new behaviours is to model someone or something else. So, what would you do and how would you be if you could completely accept yourself? Have a go and see what it feels like. When it feels good, repeat the behaviour or thought until it comes more naturally.

I’ll leave you with a couple of my favourite quotes about self-acceptance and look forward to hearing about your success.

“Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are.” – commonly attributed to Kurt Cobain

“Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we’ll ever do.” – Brené Brown