How to challenge ‘nice girl’ conditioning

What do I mean by ‘nice girl’ conditioning? It’s an informal phrase for the conditioning some of us receive through our upbringing, schooling and society’s stereotypes.

Do you remember being told as a child to be a good girl, to be polite, put others first and not disagree with or upset people?

Good manners are important and understandable, but add to that the expectations sometimes placed on girls at school to be well-behaved, achieve good results and fit in, plus society’s stereotyping of women as soft and nurturing. It’s not surprising that some of us find it uncomfortable to speak up about our opinions and needs.

I’m generalising. You may have had a very different experience, but I certainly resonate with this focus on pleasing others.

In many situations, qualities such as politeness, empathy and consideration are strengths, in friendships, when nurturing a family and when building relationships at work. However, in some workplace cultures, always prioritising other people can become a ball and chain that holds you back.

When you’re assertively asking for support or disagreeing with a senior colleague’s opinion, ‘nice girl’ conditioning can make you uncomfortable and even prevent you from speaking up.

If you want to tell a friend they’ve upset you or that you’d like to do something different together, again, ‘nice girl’ conditioning can hold you back.

How do I change my ‘nice girl’ conditioning?

Understanding where you’ve picked up these behavioural beliefs is a start. Then clarify exactly what those beliefs are.

Do you believe that you should always put others first, that you shouldn’t talk about your achievements or that you should never question people who are older or more senior than you?

Once you know your personal rules, you can challenge them, replace them or decide when they no longer serve you. You can also establish boundaries that allow you to be considerate towards others without ignoring your own opinions, needs and well-being.