How your story can help you learn, grow and develop

As a writer and an avid reader, I love a good story. Whether that’s a novel with memorable characters and unexpected twists and turns, or finding creative ways to bring corporate initiatives to life as part of my day job. However, there’s another type of story that’s easy to forget about, especially when you’re deep in the routines of daily life. Your story.

Your story

I bet something instantly came into your mind, then didn’t it? And I also suspect it had these elements:

Characters

You, and anyone who may be impacted by the decisions you’re making or who has influenced you to take or not take the actions you’re considering.

Conflict

For example, between what you “should do” and what you actually want to do. Between the sensible option and the exciting option. Between what will make you happy now vs what will serve you in the longer term.

Emotional connection

Whether between people, or between a person and their current career, a special place they visited, or something they dream of doing. We can weigh up the logical pros and cons of a decision all we like, but it’s emotion that ultimately drives us to take (or not take) action.

Unexpected or surprising events

This doesn’t need to be a massive, psychological thriller-style plot twist, but most stories involve an element of surprise. Maybe that new job turned out to be more than you expected, maybe something happened that unexpectedly changed the course of your life, or maybe you decided to explore something new that you were initially sceptical about.

So, how can the stories that have played out in our lives help us move forward, achieve our goals and build a life that makes us happy?

How stories can guide you forward

They make you aware of patterns you’re repeating

When someone brings a particular challenge to coaching, it’s often something that’s also showing up in another area of their life and/or something they’ve experienced before.

These might include:

• Self-sabotaging behaviours such as procrastinating, giving up too soon and giving in to distractions.
• Being a “rescuer” – which is when someone repeatedly tries to fix, manage or take responsibility for the problems and challenges of people around them, such as their partner, family, friends and colleagues. This can lead to the person neglecting their own needs and ending up unfulfilled, burnt out and resentful.
• Overachieving, which can stem from a fear of failure, insecurity, a need for validation or a mix of these. This can lead to perfectionism, dissatisfaction, and burnout.

Through coaching, people can “join the dots” and become aware of these patterns. Being able to identify these is the first step to managing them and eventually replacing them with healthier patterns of thought and behaviour.

Many clients start coaching by launching into a story about their life and how they’ve got to where they are now, usually followed by an awkward apology. As a coach, I find this very useful in getting a picture of how the client has arrived at the challenge they’re facing and whenever someone says, “and this probably isn’t relevant, but…” I know that it’s likely to turn out to be very relevant indeed.

By picking out key themes from this to explore, we can start to untangle what’s going on and start building a path forward.

They help uncover your values

Understanding our core values is an important step on the journey to living a more fulfilling life. This is usually done using an exercise that involves picking out words you resonate with, and completing a series of steps to narrow these down to a short list of five or fewer.

Two good ways to test the values you’ve identified, or maybe even uncover some that you haven’t, are to:

• Think of a time in your life where you felt at your happiest, most fulfilled and when you felt positive and excited about life. Which of the values on your list were present? Are there any that were present that aren’t already on your list?
• Think of a time in your life when you felt stressed, sad or uncomfortable. What was missing? What would have made this period of your life better?

By reflecting on the stories that have played out in our lives, we can gain a deeper understanding of what’s most important to us and what we need in order to feel happy and fulfilled.

For example, someone may reflect back on a period of travelling as a highlight of their lives, which reflects their values of freedom, feeling aconnectionwith the people they met along the way and feeling able to show up with authenticity as their true self.

This same person may look back at the job they took after they came home as a low period of their life. The job had regimented hours, involved last-minute overtime and was fully office-based. So they didn’t have much freedom. Their colleagues were all much older than them, and they didn’t have much in common, so they missed connection. And finally, they felt they had to put on a professional persona rather than showing up with authenticity.

By using their past stories to identify the values most important to them, this person can now move forward with more confidence and clarity, knowing exactly what they need to prioritise in their life and why.

They make you consider what you could have done differently

One of my favourite books is “The Midnight Library” by Matt Haig. The plot follows Nora as she lives out the other directions her life could have gone in if she’d made different decisions or her life had gone differently. What I find interesting is that, whatever story Nora tries out, she usually still suffers with mental health challenges and even the lives that at first appear perfect come with challenges, difficulties and hard times.

So, while it can be tempting to look back and use the missed opportunities, twists of fate and wrong choices we’ve made as a stick to beat ourselves with, this isn’t the purpose of the steps below. Instead, from a place of acceptance and with the knowledge that no life can ever be “perfect” all of the time, think back to a meaningful story in your life and consider:

• Would you have done anything differently if the same situation happened to you now? If so, what would you do and what would the reasons be for your actions?
• Do you think that doing things differently would have led to a better, worse or the same outcome?
• What lessons did you learn from this period in your life that could serve you now?

These questions can help us realise how much we’ve grown, the strengths we’ve developed in the period since, and the lessons we can take forward into the next chapter of our lives.

What next?

All of this can be lots to unpick and work through on your own. If the above has resonated with you, it might be worth working with a coach who can help you overcome any repeating patterns you’ve identified.

This can help you do more work around your values and how they’re showing up, or not showing up, in your life right now. This is particularly useful if you have a niggling feeling of being dissatisfied or unfulfilled. They can also help you to reflect on everything that’s brought you to where you are now, and think of the lessons you've learned that can serve you today.