How to make people feel better

There is a well-known saying:

“People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

There is truth in what it says, and it is worth noting when we’re aiming to be emotionally intelligent, draw others towards us and make a favourable impression on them.

Why would we want to do that in a work context or in our personal lives? Here are a few reasons:

• To persuade and influence others to our mutual benefit.
• To build and maintain relationships, making us more effective.
• To make others feel good, including about themselves.

Achieving these things is likely to make us feel good about ourselves, creating a virtuous cycle. This isn’t the whole story when it comes to feeling good about ourselves, of course, but what can we do to establish our personal feel-good factor?

We’ll need to consider how our thoughts, feelings and behaviours are helping or hindering us in this regard. If they’re not helpful, what can we do about them, and when?

The more deep-seated beliefs and attitudes that drive and are maintained by these thoughts, feelings and behaviours – for example, “I’m okay/I’m not okay; I can cope/I can’t cope; I can change/I can’t change” – may take some shifting, but they are not necessarily permanent or immovable.

In the context of drawing others towards us, what is your “aura” like? How approachable are you? Are people drawn to you, and do they feel better after being in contact with you?

If we can make others feel that:

• We respect them.
• We are warm or feel warmly towards them.
• We accept them.
• We want to listen to them.
• We are interested in them.
• We are inclined to like them.

Then they are likely to feel comfortable and confident around us and have positive feelings towards us. As a result of these feelings between us, they may also be more interesting and engaging, and present the best version of themselves.

It isn’t guaranteed, of course, but we maximise the chances of it happening.

I do appreciate that there may be some people towards whom you have difficulty feeling warm!

What can you do today to improve your aura or how you come across to others? This may include your body language, listening skills, empathy, openness, attentiveness, caring attitude, “positive” mindset and, of course, how you feel about yourself.

Could you pick just one or two of these areas and do things better today or tomorrow?