Are your nerves really holding you back?

Anyone who gets nervous usually feels that nervousness is a big problem. It can be nervousness about public speaking, challenging work situations, something that may go wrong – anything at all.

Most clients who come to me with nerves or a lack of confidence believe that this is holding them back and can only be overcome with a huge amount of effort and hard work. It can begin to feel like a fixed and problematic part of who we are.

Sometimes a small change in perspective is enough to help us experience those feelings differently. Rather than seeing them as something to fear, we can begin to recognise them as temporary experiences that don't have to define us.

I worked with a client recently who wanted a new job role. She had an interview lined up – great. The problem was she lacked confidence. She was nervous just thinking about the interview.

We explored her situation and talked it through. Although our conversation was personal to her, many of the insights that came out of our coaching are applicable much more widely.

Are nerves limiting you… or not?

I encouraged her to look more closely at what was happening.

For example, I asked her whether nerves like these had actually limited her performance in the past.

What we found was this: none of those nerves had previously held her back. She tended to go ahead anyway and do rather well.

The problem wasn't so much the nerves themselves as her thoughts about the nerves.

In other words, it was the worrying about worry that was the real issue.

She started to see how unthreatening these nerves actually were.

Fear and excitement can feel surprisingly similar

Did she really need to worry?

Fear, worry and excitement can produce many of the same physical sensations – a faster heartbeat, increased adrenaline, sweaty palms and so on – yet we often interpret them very differently, labelling fear as bad and excitement as good.

What would happen if we simply changed the label?

She started to see that the feeling wasn't all bad and didn't necessarily need removing immediately.

Don't get caught up in your thoughts

We discussed how having nerves could be OK – if she didn't mind them.

This is one of the most natural, effective and authentic ways of dealing with nerves out of all the techniques and philosophies that I know.

I described to my client the analogy of a stream.

If you have some muddy water (aka nerves), don't wade in and try to clear it, because you'll only stir the water up even more.

Leave it alone, and the stream will naturally carry it away. Or the mud will simply settle, and it will no longer seem like such a problem.

She started to see that if she simply allowed the feeling to be there, there wasn't a lot else underneath it. It gradually began to settle by itself.

Many everyday nerves settle when we stop fighting them
As a technique, there often isn't a great deal you need to do about everyday nerves.

To the extent there is a technique, it's about being present with them, recognising that they can be viewed differently and allowing them to pass through rather than adding more worry on top.

No stirring up extra thoughts about them.

No panicking in case they get worse.

Just allowing them to come and go.

Many everyday nerves begin to settle when we stop fighting them.

For many people, that can be quite a liberating realisation.