How to build unshakable confidence and let go of people-pleasing

Are you someone who always says yes, even when you're exhausted? Do you drop what you're doing the moment a family member asks for help, even at the expense of your own needs? If so, your mind and body may be conditioned to prioritise others over yourself. You’ve likely become so used to serving everyone else that you’ve forgotten what your own dreams and goals even look like.

What is people-pleasing?

People-pleasing is when you habitually think about what others would want you to do, often driven by a desire for external validation, acceptance, or a fear of rejection and conflict. Over time, this mindset can erode your confidence, dim your personality, and disconnect you from your own desires.

But this guide is here to help. You're going to learn how to shift from approval-seeking to becoming authentically self-assured.

Why people-pleasers struggle with confidence 

People-pleasing tendencies often stem from:

• toxic workplaces or controlling relationships
• high parental expectations
• bullying or emotional invalidation in childhood

These experiences create deep-rooted fears of rejection, criticism, and not being "enough." The emotional cost? Burnout, resentment, anxiety, and even depression.

A 2011 study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that individuals high in agreeableness (a common people-pleasing trait) experience greater emotional strain and struggle with setting personal boundaries, especially in high-pressure environments.

That’s where coaching comes in. As a confidence and mindset coach, I want to help you reconnect with your true self and break the habit of over-accommodating and move forward in your life.

Step 1: Reconnect with what you want

When was the last time you did something just for you? A “me day” where you weren’t helping someone, running errands, or cleaning the house?

These days are not indulgent, they're essential. They raise your self-worth, boost your energy, and remind you that your needs matter, too.

Ask yourself:

• What makes me feel alive (outside of approval)?
• If I had unlimited time and money, what would I do?
• What does a perfect “me day” look like?

Write down your answers. Be honest. For once, don't consider what anyone else wants - this is about you.

Step 2: Learn the power of saying “No”

Saying no may feel terrifying at first but it’s vital for building confidence. Think of it like a muscle: the more you train it, the stronger it gets.

Start with someone you feel comfortable around. For example, if you’ve booked a gym class but get asked to run an errand, say: “Thanks for asking, but I’ve already got plans I need to stick to.”

Other helpful scripts:

• “Thanks for thinking of me, but I’ll have to pass this time.”
• “I need to check my schedule before I commit.”

If you just can’t say it, no matter how much you try, start off with "I will get back to you." This gives you the option to then say it over text. The goal is to normalise the discomfort of saying no, so it becomes easier each time.

Step 3: Replace self-sabotage with self-compassion

This means changing your inner voice from critical to kind.

Start by identifying what your internal dialogue sounds like. When you catch self-doubt creeping in, reframe it quickly:

“I’m not good enough” can become “I’m learning and growing every day.”

Research from Critcher & Dunning (2015) found that participants who practised affirmations before tasks or at the start of the day were more resilient to negative feedback. Affirmations can play an important part in training your mind. The more positive words you say about yourself, the more you train your subconscious mind with positive thoughts about yourself, leaning into positive life.

Here’s how to start:

1. Mirror talk: Look yourself in the eye and say empowering statements like:
   • “I am enough without permission.”
   • “My happiness is my responsibility.”
   • “I release what no longer serves me.”
2. Power poses: Stand tall with hands on hips (like a superhero). This has been a game-changer for some of my clients because it boosts your confidence chemically. 

Step 4: Build evidence of your growth

Confidence isn't a one-time event; it's a practice.

Start by doing small things that stretch you:

• Start a friendly conversation with your neighbour.
• Speak up in a group discussion.
• Negotiate plans instead of going along with “whatever works.”

Use the mindset of progress over perfection.

Keep a daily journal to track:

• small wins
• boundaries set
• emotions or triggers
• how you felt saying “no” or speaking up

This helps reinforce your growth and makes it visible over time. The more you think about your actions, the more you can focus on changing your behaviour. Self-awareness really is key, and I want you to build that positive relationship with yourself where you cement change through habits. Once you get into your journal routine and notice your behaviour patterns, stepping out of your comfort zone, you will start noticing the boundaries you have set with those around you and how you have created meaningful relationships. It’s the small steps that you will take that will help you lean into your higher best self.

Step 5: Create accountability

Accountability = consistency.

Having a coach, therapist, or even a trusted friend helps keep you aligned with your goals. A study by the ASTD found that people are:

• 65% more likely to achieve a goal if they commit to someone.
• 95% more likely if they meet for regular check-ins.

Accountability helps when motivation dips or self-doubt creeps in.

Confidence doesn’t mean becoming selfish; it means becoming self-respecting. It’s about being the CEO of your own life. That includes saying no without guilt, choosing yourself without apology, and showing up for your dreams like you do for others.

So, if you’ve made it this far, this is your sign. You are already evolving.

Start today. Say yes to one thing that’s just for you. Because you are not the same person you were yesterday and that is your power.