Be the parent you want for your children

"Your child will follow your example, not your advice."

We all know that the stresses and challenges of modern life can put a strain on our family dynamics. Balancing a career, paying the bills, keeping healthy, eating well, doing daily chores, keeping the children motivated and on track, being a supportive partner... the list is dizzying.

Too often we put ourselves under so much pressure that we neglect what's truly important. Fostering nurturing, meaningful relationships with our children is often our main concern, however, we let the struggle to 'do it all' blind us.

Too often, we put ourselves under so much pressure that we neglect what's truly important. Fostering nurturing, meaningful relationships with our children may be one of our main concerns, but the struggle to ‘do it all’ can sometimes get in the way.

Yes, we want to be successful in our careers. Yes, we want a social life. Yes, we want to feel healthy and loved. But when family pressures lead to conflict, we can be left feeling guilty, selfish or inadequate.

So, what's the solution? Being the kind of parent that you hoped you would be may feel more achievable when you are clear on what's important to you, what you can control and what you might need to see differently.

How can coaching help with family life?

Here are five ways coaching may help you achieve a greater sense of ease and fulfilment in your family life and beyond.

1. Be yourself

I used to kiss my kids goodbye each morning and say, "Be your best self today!" The sentiment was obvious: try your hardest, give your all, be the best version of you.

But one day, my youngest turned to me and said, "Mummy, sometimes I just feel quiet or sad but I’m still being my best me." It was a turning point.

Being yourself means your true, unfiltered, honest self in all its shades and with all its ups and downs. Recognising and accepting that all of that messy emotion is valid and part of you can be a first step towards acknowledging what being yourself means.

Accepting yourself in all your many facets can help your kids learn that emotions and feelings are not always pretty. They are part of who we are and can be acknowledged for what they are. There’s no need to polish yourself up to be a shiny vision of perfection - that’s not real. Be honest. Be yourself.

2. Honour your values

Firstly, what even is a value? Well, in coaching, we identify values as the things that are most important to us: our strongest beliefs, our guiding principles, the north stars by which we navigate life.

Understanding your values can help you consider what you want from life and how you want to live. How often do we compare ourselves to others? Social media can feel particularly difficult if you’re already feeling below par. The temptation to measure ourselves against the successes of others (including their children) can add further pressure.

If we constantly measure ourselves and our children against others, we can find ourselves buying into a competitive view of life that pits us against one another. Dog-eat-dog, be the best, beat the opposition. Contentment and harmony can get brushed aside in our search for the next win.

And yet, when you know what’s truly important to you, some of this additional pressure may begin to ease.

A coach may help you identify and explore your values and consider how they influence different areas of your life. From there, you can think about how you might bring more of what's important to you into your family life.

Sure, you can encourage your kids to go for that next karate belt, but ultimately, if they don’t, it needn’t be the end of the world. Living according to someone else’s values may not bring the sense of fulfilment you're looking for. Understanding our own values can help us make choices that feel more meaningful to us. What better message could we teach our children?

3. Be aware of your triggers

A dear friend of mine holds a value of respect. As a result, she is scrupulous with timekeeping and feels it is pretty disrespectful if people show up late.

Knowing that respect is one of her key values allows me to understand why she feels so cross when she feels that value is being ignored. (I can then ensure that I leave plenty of time to meet her!)

Families are no different. If you hold a value of honesty and find that a family member has been dishonest, your reaction might be stronger because their behaviour conflicts with something that's particularly important to you.

When you and your family understand more about what's important to each of you, it may become easier to understand why certain situations prompt stronger reactions.

4. Recognise patterns

‘I’m not going to shout... I’m not going to bribe... I’m not going to give in...’

We’ve all had moments when we start with good intentions and then find ourselves reverting to familiar behaviours and patterns.

The first step towards changing our behaviour is often noticing it. Coaching may help you become more aware of these patterns so you can explore other ways of responding.

Once you begin to recognise the patterns surrounding your trigger points, you can consider what alternatives might work better for you and your family.

5. Forgive

Learning to let go can take time and practice. Nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes.

Being able to forgive yourself when you haven’t been the parent or partner you hoped to be can be important. In the same way, trying to see a conflict from another person's perspective may help you understand the situation differently.

Coaching can offer a space to explore your perspective, consider other viewpoints and think about how you would like to move forward.

So much of family life can be influenced by how we show up as adults. Being clear about what’s important to you and considering what you can let go of may create a greater sense of harmony.

If we can become more accepting of who we are and what matters to us, we can also give our children space to discover what's important to them.

After all, our children learn a lot from what they see us do as well as what we tell them.