How to assert yourself with confidence

Here’s the thing: there is a common myth that if you are nice to everyone, they will be nice back. This is untrue. If you take a passive approach to life, letting everyone walk all over you, you may become known as someone who always says yes, even when it costs you.

If you struggle with saying no to requests, even unreasonable ones, then some people may take advantage of that. If you don’t ask for what you want and need because you don’t like to inconvenience others, people may lose respect for you.

Most people please because they lack confidence and are therefore afraid of conflict, confrontation and displeasing looks from others, or not being seen as the “perfect person”. Many people who do not practise assertiveness then have pent-up resentment from being pushed around and often explode with unexpected outbursts of anger.

So saying “anything for a peaceful life” can mean lying to ourselves, as people pleasers often struggle with an internal battle.

You need to consciously choose the results you want to achieve when you practise assertiveness. Do not say anything unless you intend to back yourself up with action. If the guilt and shame monsters whisper recriminations in your ear, remind yourself that your needs and wants are important too.

8 tips to be more assertive

1. It’s not about winning or domineering.
2. It should be a win-win situation.
3. Respect who you are and what you do.
4. You have needs as an individual, separate from what is expected of you as a wife, husband, father, partner, son or daughter.
5. You have the right to be clear about how you feel and what you think.
6. You are allowed to change your mind, to make mistakes and not be perfect.
7. You are entitled to take time to think things over and not be steamrolled into making a decision.
8. Others are not mind readers. If you want something, you have to ask. Don’t get angry when someone doesn’t notice what you want or need.

Use powerful opening statements, such as:

• I will...
• I know...
• I believe...
• I recommend...
• I am unwilling to...

Get out there, take action, make it happen. Show up, speak up, have faith in yourself, stay positive and kick ass.