Parenting expectations: when reality feels different

As parents, we can carry all sorts of expectations about what family life will look like. We might have ideas about the kind of parent we want to be, how our children will behave, how we’ll balance work and family life, or simply how we expect to feel about parenthood.

But the reality doesn't always match the picture we had in our heads.

As a life coach, I'm used to walking alongside my mum-clients as they navigate changes in their lives. I've noticed that when someone decides they want things to be different, there can be an initial burst of enthusiasm. But, as time goes on and the reality of making changes becomes clearer, that enthusiasm can become harder to maintain.

The same can be true when we're trying to change our approach to parenting. Perhaps you've decided you want to shout less, make more time for yourself, stop comparing yourself with other parents or let go of some of the expectations you've been carrying.

Understanding that change can bring different emotions may help you keep going when things don't immediately turn out as you'd hoped.

When parenting expectations meet reality

Moving through life is closely connected to change. Nothing stays the same forever, and parenting is no exception.

Our children change, our circumstances change and we change too. Sometimes, that means letting go of expectations about how we thought things ‘should’ be and finding a different way forward.

Psychologists Don Kelley and Daryl Conner described an ‘emotional cycle of change’, with five stages people may experience when changing their behaviour:

• uninformed optimism
• informed pessimism
• valley of despair
• informed optimism
• success and fulfilment.

Not everyone will experience change in exactly this way, but the model can offer one way of thinking about why our feelings and motivation may change over time.

1. Uninformed optimism

The first stage is often exciting. We can picture the benefits of making a change without yet experiencing the difficulties involved.

Perhaps you've decided that mornings are going to be calmer from now on, you're going to stop worrying about what other parents are doing, or you're finally going to make more time for yourself.

You can imagine how much better things might feel, and you're motivated to get started.

2. Informed pessimism

Then reality sets in.

The new approach may be harder to maintain than you expected. Your children might not respond in the way you'd hoped, life gets busy again or familiar habits start creeping back in.

This is where our parenting expectations can sometimes add extra pressure. You might find yourself thinking, ‘Why can't I get this right?’ or comparing your family with other families who seem to have everything under control.

Recognising that change can take time may help you see this stage differently.

3. The valley of despair

The third stage of the model is called the ‘valley of despair’. This describes the point when the effort involved in changing can feel particularly difficult and the benefits may still seem far away.

It can be tempting to abandon what you were trying to do and return to familiar habits.

Instead of seeing this as evidence that you've failed, it may help to revisit why you wanted something to change in the first place. Are your original expectations realistic? Does your goal still reflect what matters to you and your family? Could you adjust what you're aiming for rather than giving up completely?

Parenting rarely goes perfectly to plan. Giving yourself permission to adapt can be part of the process.

4. Informed optimism

At this stage, the benefits of the changes you're making may start to become clearer.

Perhaps a new routine is becoming more familiar, you're noticing your own triggers sooner, or you've become more comfortable letting go of what other people think your parenting ‘should’ look like.

The change might still require effort, but it may begin to feel more manageable.

5. Success and fulfilment

In the final stage, the new behaviours may begin to feel more natural.

That doesn't mean family life suddenly becomes perfect or that you'll never fall back into old habits. Instead, you may find that you have greater confidence in your ability to adapt when circumstances change.

And, perhaps importantly, you may have learned something about your parenting expectations along the way.

Letting go of the ‘shoulds’ of parenting

Being aware of our expectations can help us notice when we're putting unnecessary pressure on ourselves.

What did you expect parenting to look like? Where did those expectations come from? Are they still useful to you now?

Sometimes, the change we need isn't about becoming a different or ‘better’ parent. It may be about adjusting our expectations, accepting that family life changes and giving ourselves permission to find an approach that works for the family we actually have.

If you're struggling with changing expectations, confidence or finding a sense of direction outside of your parenting role, coaching may be a good space to explore what matters to you and what you'd like to do next.