Finding balance by embracing all our emotions

We are often encouraged to look on the bright side, stay positive and find something uplifting in difficult experiences. Hope and optimism can support us through challenging times, but when we believe feeling good is something we should achieve, positivity becomes another standard against which we judge ourselves. Another pressure.

As psychiatrist and Buddhist teacher Mark Epstein observes: “If you set up feeling good as what you have to be feeling, then you are just creating another thing you are failing at.”

Emotional balance is not about feeling happy all the time. It is about gradually learning to make room for the full range of our humanity. Sure, it is great to feel good and happy, but is it truly realistic to feel like this all the time?

Moving beyond positive and negative emotions

We commonly describe happiness and hope as positive emotions, and sadness, anger and fear as negative ones.

In her book Quiet Strength, Margaret Cullen gently challenges this division. Calling an emotion negative can suggest that it is wrong, unhelpful or something we should remove. Yet each emotion may have something to tell us. Fear can alert us to uncertainty. Anger may show us that a boundary has been crossed. Sadness helps us acknowledge loss, while joy allows us to recognise and savour what matters.

We do not need to act on every emotion, but we can become curious about what the emotion may be communicating. Cullen suggests describing emotions as pleasant, unpleasant or neutral. This acknowledges how an emotion feels without judging it or getting lost in the experiencing of it. Not always easy, I agree. In my experience, meditation and mindfulness practices, or talking to a trusted confidant, friend, or coach, can help us bring structure to this process.

This is central to equanimity: meeting our experience with openness and steadiness, without holding too tightly to pleasant feelings or immediately pushing unpleasant ones away.

When positivity becomes unhelpful

Toxic positivity describes the pressure to remain cheerful while difficult emotions are dismissed or minimised.

It can appear in well-intentioned comments such as:

• "Everything happens for a reason."
• "At least it isn’t worse."
• "Try to focus on what you have."
• "Cheer up; it may never happen"

These words may be offered with care, but they can leave someone feeling unheard or alone in their experience.

Sometimes we rush to reassure another person because their distress is uncomfortable for us too. We may want to find a solution, offer a positive interpretation, or make a kind, meaningful promise that everything will be fine.

Yet genuine compassion does not require us to take someone’s pain away. Sometimes the kindest response is simply to witness and be present: “That sounds really difficult. I’m here with you.”

Putting feelings into words

Once we move beyond labelling an emotion as positive or negative, we can become more curious about what we are actually feeling. Affect labelling means putting an emotional experience into words. We might move from “I feel bad” to this is a feeling of anxiousness, disappointment, loneliness or overwhelm.

Research suggests that naming an emotion can help us make sense of signals from our body, sensations, thoughts and circumstances. It may also influence how we experience and communicate the feeling. Early neuroscience research also found that putting feelings into words was associated with reduced activity in our stress centre, the amygdala, and increased activity in a prefrontal region involved in emotional regulation.

Naming an emotion does not guarantee it will disappear. More recent research suggests that the effect of naming may be immediate, but it may differ depending on the person, the situation, and their feelings toward the emotion.

The purpose is not to control the emotion, but to meet it more clearly: "This feels unpleasant. What I am noticing is disappointment." Naming what we feel can create a little space between the emotion and our response. A familiar saying, often attributed to Viktor Frankl, captures this idea: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

We cannot always choose which emotions arise. But within the space created by awareness, we might ask:

• What is this emotion communicating?
• What story am I telling myself?
• Am I judging myself for feeling this way?
• What might be a kind and wise response?

Sometimes that space may be no more than one conscious breath.

Embracing our emotional humanity

Emotional wellbeing is not about feeling happy all the time or allowing every feeling to determine our behaviour. Perhaps it is about growing our ability to meet the full range of emotional life with curiosity and care.

Affect labelling can help us name what is present. Equanimity can help us remain open without clinging or pushing away. The pause between feeling and responding gives us an opportunity to choose what we need next.

Perhaps the question is not, “How can I get rid of this feeling?” but, “How can I listen to this emotion and meet myself more kindly while it is here?”