How to overcome fear of failure with confidence

Fear of failure can stop us from taking opportunities, pursuing our goals and trusting ourselves. While a certain amount of fear is a natural part of being human, when it becomes overwhelming, it can lead to avoidance, procrastination and self-doubt. By understanding where our fear comes from and learning healthier ways to respond to it, we can build resilience, confidence and a more compassionate relationship with ourselves.

Fear is like a dandelion

Dandelions have a purpose, even though they bother most gardeners here in the UK (I say here in the UK because in Panama, my home country, I know some people who keep dandelions in pots as precious plants!). According to research, they are highly nutritious, good for bees, and, in my opinion, they are really pretty.

For those who are unfamiliar, dandelions have strong roots. In fact, I've seen that when baby dandelions start germinating, their leaves might not look like a big deal, but once you pull them out of the soil, you can see their formidable roots trying to go deeper and deeper.

Fear is like a dandelion: really hard to exterminate, but also inevitable and sometimes necessary for other purposes. According to different sources, this fear of failure refers to persistent and irrational anxiety about failing to measure up to the standards and goals set by ourselves and/or others. This includes anxiety around academic expectations, losing a job, sexual inadequacy, loss of a loved one or self-esteem, and other situations.

Understanding fear of failure

Before I get into how to overcome fear of failure, it's important to recognise that feeling afraid of failing is a common human experience. Whether we're worried about making mistakes, disappointing others or not meeting our own expectations, this fear can sometimes hold us back from pursuing the things we want.

Regardless of how fear of failure shows up for you, there are steps you can take to begin understanding and responding to it:

• Get to know your fear and explore what makes you afraid and why.
• Reflect on how you're currently responding to that fear and whether those responses are helping you.
• Consider what support or small, manageable steps might help you move forward.

My experience with fear

After ending a very toxic relationship with an ex-partner, I started to experience extreme fear, but what helped me to start overcoming fear and break free from its claws was hope. Hope that life has much more to offer than this dark place, and hope can arrive from unexpected places.

For me, it was right after my youngest cat died. It was an unexpected departure. It shocked me and reminded me that I was still alive. There was hope for me. And if you have participated in my live workshops, read my posts, or worked one-on-one with me, I might have already told you what happened next…

Now, fear might not leave completely. In the same way, it's hard to get rid of dandelions; it's also difficult to get rid of fear completely. We can live with our dandelions; we can live with fear. I now see fear as a sign. 

If something scares me, I try to think, "what is this fear trying to tell me?" "How can I use the trail of fear as an opportunity for my own growth?" "How can I work around these dandelions to keep my garden, the bees and myself happy?" In fact, I recommend that the next time you feel scared about something, try to ask yourself these same questions. You might find your way closer to understanding and overcoming this fear. 

How to overcome a fear of failure:

1. Journaling

You can practice some 'freehand journaling'. Which is basically just writing what comes to your mind when you notice these feelings of self-doubt arise. You can also use the following prompts that will trigger very special thinking patterns to help you reflect on this feeling:

• When you experience failure, what does your inner dialogue sound like?
• What emotions are attached to this fear of failure?
• What might this fear be trying to protect you from?
• What are you telling yourself this experience means about you?
• What behaviour comes along with the feeling of failure?
• How do the coping behaviours impact other areas of your life?
• Describe a time when someone you love failed at something and how you showed encouragement and kindness to them. How do you think they felt after? How can you show yourself kindness the next time you fail at something?

2. Somatic awareness

"Somatic" means "relating to the body", especially as distinct from the mind.

According to experts, somatic awareness is when a person acknowledges their own self within their environment and uses sensations to identify psychological, physiological, and social factors to promote healing and self-regulation.

Somatic awareness can also be called "body awareness", which helps us to understand how to relate to objects and people at home, at school, and outdoors. 

This body awareness represents our mind and body as one and the responses and behaviour we have through it. Noticing physical sensations may help some people recognise when they're feeling tense, anxious or overwhelmed.

These activities might help you build somatic awareness:

• Yoga is one of the tools that helped me to learn how to inhabit my body again. There are YouTube videos and channels dedicated to teaching yoga. I would also recommend trying 1:1 yoga to learn the basics, or if you want more specific help.
• Some guided meditations can help us practice body awareness, including relaxation, guided or breath-led meditations.
• Conscious movement practices like dancing, swimming, or barefoot walking.

Use the next journaling prompts to help you reflect on your somatic awareness:

• Do you know what happens in your body when you feel anxious or sad?
• When something or someone annoys you, how connected are you to your body in that moment?
• What signals does your body give you when you feel happy or grateful? 
• What can you do today to increase your body awareness?

You can also try working with an NLP practitioner. 

3. Self-compassion

Defined as being "kind to oneself and being able to use self-confidence and calm in times of adversity", this includes not judging ourselves and, at the same time, acknowledging uncomfortable experiences and emotions as part of the human condition.

It implies treating yourself with the same compassion we would treat a loved friend going through a difficult time, even if this person made a mistake, or feels inadequate, or is simply facing a difficult challenge in life.

3 key elements:

• Kindness towards oneself
• The recognition that we all make mistakes and feel pain
• Mindfulness

A simple and powerful way to start practising self-compassion is to wait for the next time you find something to criticise about yourself, and then I invite you to imagine that someone you love unconditionally (a family member, a friend, or your pet) feels that way too. By imagining this, I want you to write a letter full of compassion to this person going through this situation.

So these are the first three things you can do that might help you a little bit if you or someone you know is experiencing fear of failure.

But perhaps, more importantly, you and only you can define your concept of failure and success. Sometimes I find myself and clients holding a definition of success and failure that is valid for others (family, society, co-workers) but not necessarily for myself. Maybe explore if the failure you fear is your definition or someone else’s definition of failure.

But what if you actually fail? What if no matter how much we work on our fear of failure, we end up right where we feared to be? Well, failure is inevitable. I taught my husband how to play chess a few years ago. I am a pretty decent player, but he studied, practiced, and now beats me almost every single time we play! And I could decide to hate the game (and the player!), but after a defeat, all I can and want to do is ask for a rematch, because I know my time to win will come again. Plus, it's really fun to play with a worthy opponent!

So next time you fail, because you will, remember you can choose to stand up, clean off the dust, see what you can improve, keep going and enjoy the journey.