Ten ways to express your feelings assertively

Once a year, on 14th February, many of us declare our love to someone we admire – our Valentine. You might do this secretly with an anonymous card or openly over a candlelit dinner.

However, feelings are too important to express only once a year. A failure to communicate our feelings can create emptiness in relationships and eventually contribute to misunderstandings and conflict:

• “Why didn’t you tell me?”
• “Well, you should know how I feel.”
• “But I don’t know how you feel if you don’t tell me.”
• “Well, if you don’t know how I feel by now…”

Whether you’re in a relationship or single, the ability to express feelings appropriately in your personal life and professional role is a valuable assertiveness skill.

Ten tips for expressing feelings assertively

1. Don’t assume that other people know how you feel

Tell them. Otherwise, they may have no choice but to make assumptions about you.

2. Use self-disclosure

Use the assertive skill of self-disclosure to express both positive and difficult feelings:

• “I feel…”
• “I care…”
• “I’m upset…”
• “I’m happy…”
• “I’m concerned…”
• “I’m delighted…”
• “I’m worried…”
• “I feel pressured…”
• “I’m nervous…”

3. Talk about difficult feelings

Expressing or talking about difficult feelings appropriately may help you process them, move forward or cope more effectively with a challenging situation.

Talk to someone you trust: “I’m a little nervous about presenting to the board, but I am well prepared.” Expressing both the difficult feeling and the positive fact may help you adopt a more balanced perspective.

4. Consider what is appropriate to share

This may depend on whom you are speaking to and whether it is a professional or personal situation.

It may be fine to tell a friend, “I’m worried about work. It’s getting on top of me.” However, it may be more constructive to tell your manager, “I’m concerned about the overlapping deadlines for these two projects, and I would like to discuss whether additional resources are available.”

5. Avoid beginning with “You make me feel…”

Other people’s behaviour can certainly affect how you feel. However, saying “You make me feel…” may sound as though they are entirely responsible for your emotional response.

It can also sound accusatory, making the other person more likely to become defensive and turning the conversation into an argument.

6. Use “I” statements

When you use an “I” statement, even to express a vulnerable feeling, you take ownership of your experience. For example, say, “I’m disappointed” rather than immediately accusing the other person by saying, “You let me down.”

The other person may see the situation differently, but an “I” statement allows you to communicate your experience without presenting it as an accusation:

“I don’t think you need to feel disappointed.”

“As I said, I do feel disappointed.”

If someone pressures you to purchase because a 20% discount ends that day, self-disclosure can also be a powerful tool:

“I feel pressured to buy today. What I want to do is take some time to research my options and then make a decision.”

7. Invite other people to express their feelings

Be open to listening. Don’t ridicule, dismiss or ignore their feelings. Expressing feelings and listening to others are important parts of building understanding and empathetic relationships.

8. Allow time and space for strong emotions

Be aware that someone angry or distressed may find it difficult to listen or move forward immediately.

Give them an appropriate opportunity to explain how they feel, provided it remains safe and respectful. Listening does not mean accepting shouting, threats or abusive behaviour, and it is reasonable to pause the conversation if it becomes too heated.

9. Avoid making assumptions

If we do not allow people to speak for themselves, we are left to make assumptions about how they feel and what they are thinking.

By being open and allowing others to communicate openly, we create opportunities for empathy and understanding.

10. Acknowledge feelings during conflict

In situations involving conflict or disagreement, one party acknowledging the other person’s feelings is often an important first step towards reducing hostility and opening the way for dialogue.

To summarise, consider this metaphorical quotation from Emily Post:

“Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use.”