How to ask for what you want assertively

Do you find it hard to ask?

Have you ever pleaded passively for a favour?

Conversely, can you demand that something be done... now!

Asking assertively can help you communicate what you want clearly and respectfully, although it doesn't guarantee the answer will be yes.

As a coach and specialist in assertiveness, I often hear clients express the angst that precedes making a request, such as asking:

• a colleague for help
• their boss for time off to go on holiday, to study or to see their GP
• their doctor for a referral or information about the side-effects of a drug
• for greater responsibility at work and a job title to reflect it
• work to fund a training programme
• a flatmate, the children or partner to tidy up or share the household chores

The list is never-ending. Indeed, you are likely to need to make several requests a day, some of which feel easy while others are a struggle.

What requests do you find hard to make?

What are the reasons for the difficulty?

You may find it hard to ask because of:

• fear of the response
• fear it will make things worse
• fear the other person will say ‘no’
• fear the other person won’t like you asking
• fear you’ll come across as incompetent, such as when asking for help

The aim isn't necessarily to get rid of that discomfort before asking. It can be about learning to make a clear request even when asking feels uncomfortable.

It isn’t only about doing it; it’s about how you do it, and you can choose to ask passively, aggressively, passive-aggressively... or assertively. So what’s the difference between these four behaviours?

Four ways of making a request

Passive

A passive request may be so apologetic or indirect that what you actually want becomes unclear. It might involve unnecessary apologies such as ‘Sorry to ask’ or ‘Sorry to disturb you’, minimising language like ‘I know this may not be important but...’ or pleading: ‘I’d be sooooo grateful if you could possibly...’

Indeed, all too often passive behaviour means saying nothing at all, sitting and regretting in silence.

Aggressive

Aggressive requests draw on demanding, intimidating or even bullying language, such as: ‘You need to do this right now’ or ‘Do this today. If you don’t...’

Passive-aggressive

Passive-aggressive requests communicate what someone wants indirectly, perhaps through hints, guilt or implied obligation rather than making the request openly.

For example:

‘I helped you last week, so can you do this for me this week?’ or ‘I think you ought to do this.’

The recipient may agree initially but later feel frustrated that they were pushed towards something rather than being asked directly.

Assertive

Assertive requests are different. They are clear, direct, polite and specific. They get to the point... respectfully.

For example:

‘I’d be grateful if you could read the report this morning and suggest changes if needed, so we can distribute it by the end of the day.’

One request - four ways of asking

Imagine you’re in the cinema and the people behind you are talking. You’ve come to watch the film while they seem more interested in having a chat with their friends. What choices do you have?

Passive action

You might sit and do nothing, feeling increasingly frustrated or resentful. The people behind you may have no idea that you want them to be quiet.

Passive-aggressive action

You might start sighing, half-turning or shaking your head and hoping they notice. You're communicating your frustration, but not clearly telling them what you'd like them to do.

Aggressive action

This is certainly direct, but not respectful. You might turn around, raise your voice and say:

‘The trouble with people like you is you’ve got no consideration for anyone else.’

This is not really a request but a put-down, and may escalate the interaction rather than focusing on what you actually want.

Assertive action

Assertive action is different. Turn around to face the people talking and politely say what you’d like, for example:

‘I’d be grateful if you could keep your voices down so I can hear the film.’

Hopefully, they’ll say ‘yes ’, and you can thank them. They may still say no or respond badly, but you've communicated what you need clearly and respectfully.

Assertiveness means:

• keeping dialogue open
• using ‘I’ statements where helpful rather than automatically blaming the other person
• being clear about what you want
• asking politely and respectfully
• thanking people when they agree to your request

Putting assertiveness into practice

It may be easy to understand how assertiveness differs from other behaviours, yet hard to put it into practice.

If you find it difficult to make requests or say no, coaching can provide space to practise assertive communication, explore what makes certain conversations difficult and build confidence in expressing what you need.