Divorce and self-preservation

Why do we react to situations and allow our reaction to cause pain?

When we feel attacked or hurt, our natural reaction can be to protect ourselves. We may conceal how we really feel by masking our true selves, closing ourselves off from others or completely shutting down. These reactions can be influenced by the experiences we have had throughout our lives and the ways we have learned to protect ourselves during times of hurt, pain or fear.

We may also find ourselves reverting to familiar personality traits and patterns when reacting to difficult situations.

When we close ourselves off, we may:

• become defensive;
• blame others, which can lead to bitterness and anger;
• respond with attacking or hurtful words;
• replay painful experiences over and over in our minds;
• react to situations without taking time to think.

During a divorce, when emotions can be heightened, recognising these reactions and patterns may help us find a different way forward.

How can we move forward?

1. Reflect on your natural reaction

Take some time to watch and observe how you deal with painful experiences. Do you shout, snap or withdraw into yourself? Consider whether your reaction results in the outcome you want. Could the situation be approached in a different, more productive way? Becoming aware of how you naturally respond can be an important first step towards making a change.

2. Stop and breathe

When a painful experience arises, you may notice an emotional or physical reaction. Instead of immediately responding, give yourself a moment to stop and consider what you are feeling.

When this happens:

1. Stop.
2. Take three breaths.
3. Observe why you feel this way and consider how you would like to proceed, with love and kindness towards yourself and others.

Giving yourself this space may help you respond more thoughtfully rather than allowing hurt and anger to determine your reaction. This is about reflecting and creating change for you, not beating yourself up when it doesn't happen immediately.

Personal growth does not happen overnight. Continue to observe, reflect and make changes where you can. During difficult experiences such as divorce, being more aware of your reactions can help you understand yourself and consider how you want to move forward.