How to handle criticism assertively

Difficult or measured, cutting or helpful, slight or serious; one thing is for sure: we will all be on the receiving end of it at some time in our working and personal lives. I am speaking of “criticism”.

Why is it so hard to handle?

Most people find criticism hard to handle, though some do welcome it. Others say they would welcome it, yet when it arrives, they do not find it so easy to digest.

Criticism can be well-intended, yet badly presented. The giver may not have the skills to convey it constructively and can end up putting you down. Sometimes the giver presents it in the guise of criticism, whereas their real intention is to attack you personally or make you feel inferior.

You may find yourself reacting very strongly to what seems like a minor criticism. The criticism may have touched on a memory and triggered difficult feelings that appear out of proportion to the current event.

Criticism versus put-down

A criticism ideally contains positive, practical ways forward to help you improve your performance or behaviour, while a put-down is designed to make you feel bad.

Some bosses think the worse they try to make you feel, the harder you’ll work to win a “thank you” from them. In truth, encouragement, the carrot, produces better performance, while the stick leads to demoralisation and even lower performance.

Criticism can be a golden key

First, take a different perspective on criticism. See it not as criticism, but as an opinion, suggestion or viewpoint.

Secondly, be confident in the knowledge that you have the choice to accept what you agree with, or to disagree with it.

Thirdly, reflect on how sometimes a criticism, with hindsight, turns out to be a great piece of advice that helps you improve your performance and turn things around.

“Your presentation was a disaster. Typical of you. What on earth did you think you were doing?”

Ask questions for clarification to find out what they mean. Focus them on the facts. For example: “It would be helpful to know precisely what you felt I could do differently.”

If they don’t have a useful answer, you’ll know they are simply putting you down. You can then put your view, such as: “I don’t agree it was a disaster. I felt it went well, judging from the response.”

However, if they have particular suggestions, you might say: “Of course, I’m ready to listen” or “I certainly didn’t see it as a disaster. However, I agree that I could rely less on slides and open it up to audience discussion. I’ll take it into account next time. Thanks for your advice.”

Secondly, here is a personal example:

“You don’t care. Always thinking about yourself.”

“I wonder what makes you say I don’t care?”

“When I phone, you say you have to go. When I suggest meeting, you say you have to work late. You say you can’t come over on Christmas Day this year.”

“I can understand it may appear that I don’t care, but it’s far from the case. I care a great deal. I’ve been under a lot of work pressure the last few weeks. I’m looking after myself as I’ve been asked by my boss to be on call over the holiday this year, and it’s a long drive to work from you. I promise I’ll come over on Boxing Day. I do hope you understand.”

Use “I”, not “you”, statements. “I agree” and not “you’re right”; “I disagree” and not “you’re wrong” shows more confidence and ownership.

So listen, think about what’s been said, reply calmly - you can ask for thinking time if you want to mull it over - and decide if you agree or not.

Then, you can reply to criticism assertively and with confidence. If you find that this is something you struggle with, or it does not come naturally to you, you may see benefit in speaking with a confidence coach. We can help to teach you tools and strategies ready to implement in day-to-day life or for your unique scenario to help you respond and react with confidence.