How to build confidence through experience and resilience

Have you ever wondered how those people are so successful? They seem to be navigating life like a breeze, from obstacle to obstacle, always looking happy and fulfilled. In this article, I want to talk about how much impact confidence has on your day-to-day life, and how you can develop it.

Before we start, I want to clarify two things. First, looking confident doesn't mean you are confident. Secondly, as Simon Sinek says, confidence is believing in yourself, while arrogance is telling others you are better than they are. Here, we are talking about confidence that can support you in pursuing your goals, without bringing others down.

Work, relationships and fun

Here's a story about me wakeboarding. I love board sports in general, they are a lot of fun. Naturally, like any activity you enjoy, you want to progress, to keep it fun. However, progress in board sports can involve plenty of practice, setbacks and the occasional painful fall. When you miss a trick, you fall, and can often hurt yourself.

One day, I finally landed a trick I had been trying for ages. After zillions of crashes and painful mornings, I just kept going and going (I'm crazy like that), until that day. Miraculously my muscle memory and repetition proved useful and I managed to land one.

Guess what? It looked terrible!

But the story doesn't end there, I was so happy and excited that, without thinking, I tried again 100m after. And this one was beautiful! It looked like I had done it all my life, fluid and graceful (If you don't believe me, I have the video of the two and even without knowing anything about wakeboarding, you would be able to tell which one looks better than the other).

Now, what's the lesson?

After I landed the first one, I knew in my core, that I could do it. I was confident. Also, I had absolutely no time to think in between the two attempts. No time to bother myself with what-ifs and what-do-I-need-to-do. I just did it.

Have you never had this situation at work or in your relationships, when you feel like you've got it and everything seems to just flow?

Take dating, for example. My most successful dates (meaning the ones I enjoyed the most, however they ended...) were whenever I knew I had it in me. I wasn't thinking, I was just being myself. You can take this example and apply it to different situations in your life.

What brings my confidence down?

Here's another short story. I am an avid hiker. In the summer of 2020, after lockdown (that is, six months of close to no physical activity), I went with my friends on a four-day hike with 15kg on our backs (20-30km per day). Needless to say that after that hike, my body was struggling.

Long story short, I had to do six months of physio. The physical demands of the hike had been more than I was prepared for, and I experienced knee problems that required physiotherapy. My friends? They just trotted along like deers in the crops (or almost).

The point is, just as we have different levels of physical fitness and experience, we also respond differently to life's challenges. Our confidence and resilience can be influenced by our experiences, circumstances and the support available to us. And, just as physical skills can develop with practice, we can learn ways to respond to challenges and build trust in our abilities.

When we face repeated setbacks or difficult situations, our confidence can sometimes take a knock. Developing coping skills and recognising what helps us recover can support our confidence over time.

How do I increase my confidence?

Rather than focusing only on trying to feel more confident, it can help to look at the skills, experiences and habits that support confidence.

My hiking experience reminded me of the importance of preparation and gradually building up the ability to take on challenges. I think a similar principle can apply to confidence: taking manageable steps, learning from experience and recognising progress can help us feel more capable over time.

Every man has a friend with good intentions telling them "stop thinking so much, just do it!" when they are thinking of approaching a woman, for example. Unfortunately, it doesn't always work that way. 

Overthinking can happen for many reasons, including uncertainty, fear of rejection or worrying about getting something wrong. Simply telling someone to stop thinking isn't necessarily helpful. It can be more useful to understand what's making a situation difficult and consider what might help them feel more prepared.

In reality, what's going to help you may be building the necessary boundaries to prevent a challenging situation from affecting your confidence and well-being. It's also putting in place certain supportive habits, actions, and reminders of who you are, your values, and what you do not accept. It's teaching yourself how to make those boundaries respected. 

Having clear boundaries doesn't mean difficult situations won't affect you, but it can help you recognise your needs and respond in ways that feel right for you.

In summary, developing resilience, recognising your values and building supportive habits can all contribute to greater self-confidence.

So what's next?

This is where coaching can be useful. Your coach may help you build those boundaries, identify unhelpful thinking patterns and help you stand for your values. They can support you in exploring your options, developing helpful habits and taking manageable steps towards your goals.

Building confidence can take time, and the process will look different for everyone.

Think about it. How many things have you tried? How many times have you told yourself "I want/need to be more confident"? How many times have you seen it negatively affect your life, your relationships, or your performance at work?

Confidence doesn't mean never experiencing doubt or fear. It's about developing trust in your abilities and recognising that you can learn from challenges, even when things don't go to plan. By taking small steps, acknowledging your progress and building resilience, you can gradually develop confidence in the areas of life that matter most to you.