'A part of me'

Have you ever experienced conflict in your closest, most important relationships? A disagreement over the food shop, finances, or the in-laws suddenly escalates. Voices get louder, accusations are made, and before you realise what’s happening, you’re in a full-blown argument. What started as a seemingly benign topic of conversation becomes defensive and charged. And any chance of meeting each other feels like it’s just fled off into the distance. What if you could dismantle that wall with just four simple words?

There is a phrase, rooted in the powerful framework of Internal Family Systems (IFS) or parts work, that can fundamentally change the dynamic of your conversations. It’s not a magic trick, but it can certainly feel like it when you want to honour connection and reduce the chances of conflict.

This magical phrase is: "A part of me..."

Speaking for your 'parts', not from them

At its core, parts work, as its name suggests, works on the basis that we are all made up of different ‘parts’ or subpersonalities. You could have a part of you that is anxious, a part of you that speaks to you in a critical voice, or a vulnerable child-like part. You might have a part of you that tries to keep everything and everyone in your household organised and in order. This is what it means to be human. Having a set of sometimes conflicting parts of you all clamouring to be heard, or reacting loudly when things don’t go to plan. 

Conflict in relationships usually ignites when one of your parts completely takes over and starts speaking from its perspective as if it were the absolute truth. There is no room for nuance or a different perspective. In these moments, we become so blended with this part of us that it can feel like our brain has been completely hijacked. 

Have you ever felt like another part of you is watching you completely lose it? Or you get into an argument with your partner and then can barely remember what actually happened or what you said?

From a neuroscience perspective, the parts of our brain that are responsible for quickly responding to danger are completely in control in that moment. The amygdala, HPA axis, and adrenal system have all taken control. 

From a psychotherapy perspective, our parts have taken over the system and are running the show. 

• When you’re blended with an angry part, you don’t say, ‘I’m feeling angry.’ You shout: ‘You never listen to me!’
• When you’re blended with a critical part, you don’t say, “I’m worried about the mess.” You snap: "You’re so lazy!"

This kind of communication feels like a direct attack. While it comes from a place of vulnerability, in reality, it’s a verbal missile aimed at your partner’s character. Understandably, their natural response is to raise their shields and fire back. The conversation is over before it begins.

Using the phrase ‘a part of me...’ changes things completely. I urge you to try it. Use these four little words next time you’re feeling a big emotion about something and your partner is in your firing line. Instead of throwing that hot potato at your beloved with all your might, speaking from your hurt/angry/annoyed part, you change to speaking for it. 

You are no longer possessed by the emotion, driven by a blinkered and tainted view of the situation by your amygdala. This little phrase gives you a bit of space to be the calm, curious version of you, reporting on what one of your internal parts is experiencing.

It’s a completely transformative way of engaging with your partner. And gives them the opportunity to meet you where you’re at, and offer support. Instead of immediately retreating behind their own walls of defence. 

Let’s compare an example:

• Speaking from a part: "You’re so lazy!"
• Speaking for a part: "A part of me feels really overwhelmed and scared when I see the dishes piled up."

The first is an accusation. The second is a vulnerable, honest share about your internal world.

Why this simple little phrase works

It immediately reduces defensiveness

It is very difficult for someone to argue with your internal experience. Saying ‘You’re lazy’ immediately invites your partner to list all the ways they aren't or to fire right back at you with ‘so are you’. But, if you say, ‘A part of me feels really overwhelmed,’ how can they deny that? It’s your experience and perspective. It’s honest and open. It isn’t making it about them, but about you. It de-escalates the situation instantly.

It creates space and ownership

Saying ‘a part of me’ acknowledges that this feeling is not your entire reality. It's one piece of your experience. This is absolutely crucial to help you not completely blend and let that activated amygdala take charge. While an angry part might be activated, another part of you still loves and respects your partner. This phrasing holds space for both truths. It takes ownership of the feeling (‘a part of me’) instead of making it the other person's fault. It actually brings more awareness to the situation and allows you to take responsibility for your feelings and emotions. In that sense, it gives you a choice. 

It invites curiosity

An accusation invites a counter-accusation. A vulnerable share invites curiosity. Hearing ‘A part of me feels really overwhelmed’ might allow your partner to respond with a more compassionate, ‘tell me more’. This opens you both to real conversation and connection. This also has the added bonus of calming the amygdala and angry response through co-regulation.

Before and after examples

Let's see how this works in common relationship hotspots. You can even steal some of these phrases to use in moments when your brain might be less than helpful if you’re feeling very agitated. 

Chores

• Before (speaking from): ‘You never help around the house! I have to do everything myself.’
• After (speaking for): ‘A part of me feels really alone and unappreciated when I see the mess at the end of the day.’

Money

• Before (speaking from): ‘You’re so irresponsible with money! You're going to bankrupt us.’
• After (speaking for): ‘A part of me gets really scared and anxious when I see a big credit card bill. It brings up fears about our future security and whether we’ll be able to pay our bills.’

Intimacy

• Before (speaking from): ‘You don't find me attractive anymore, do you?’ 
• After (speaking for): ‘There's a part of me that feels insecure and a little distant when we haven't been physically close for a while.’

In every ‘after’ example, the topic is still on the table. But instead of this feeling like a heated battleground, with everyone tooling up to maintain their stance with no room to even enter into the idea that there is a differing view, the energy is completely different. It’s a collaborative problem-solving approach built on connection and co-regulation. 

Your call to try

You don't need to be an expert in therapy to use this tool. You just need the willingness to try. This isn't about being passive or avoiding difficult conversations. It's about having gentler, kinder, and more connected conversations.

Here is your challenge. Try using the phrase ‘A part of me...’ just once today in a conversation with your partner, a friend, or even just noticing it in your own thoughts. See what changes. Notice how it feels to speak that way. Notice how the other person responds. Could you ever imagine that four simple words can create a world of gentle understanding? I also invite you to journal about this topic so you can reflect on it later.