7 subtle signs of domestic abuse

When you think of domestic abuse, what comes to mind? For a lot of people, it is about physical violence. I hear so many times from clients, “They don’t hit me, so it’s not abusive” or “They’re not abusive all the time, so maybe I’m overreacting”.

The truth about what constitutes domestic abuse is actually far from being just about physical violence, with the official UK government defining domestic abuse as any incident or pattern of incidents of abusive behaviour between those aged 16 or over who are, or have been, personally connected to each other.

Abuse can encompass, but is not limited to, psychological, physical, sexual, financial, digital, emotional or coercion and control. Abuse isn't always obvious, even to the person in the relationship, and it can look like criticism, control, and manipulation wrapped up as love and care; constantly managing your partner’s reactions, moods, and behaviour; or walking on eggshells.

In this article, I want to highlight seven of the more subtle signs of abuse and control. You may be familiar with some, but others may surprise you.

7 subtle signs of domestic abuse

Managing your partner’s behaviour, moods and emotions

Here, you constantly think about and manage what you say or do so you don't cause a reaction from your partner. There is no pattern to this, and you think you understand how they react, so you avoid doing certain things; however, the goalposts keep shifting. This can cause you to gradually diminish yourself and adapt how you behave, leading you to slowly lose yourself.

Double standards and monitoring

Your partner may have freedoms they deny you, set rules that apply only to you, or monitor your behaviour by expecting detailed information about your whereabouts and who you speak to, while sharing very little about their own activities. They may also expect you to text back immediately or provide constant updates on what you're doing.  This power imbalance can gradually reduce your freedom over time.

Control being painted as care, kindness and love

This can be really hard to spot and might sound like “I’ve done that for your own good” or “I only did that because I love you”. A controlling partner may also do this by being very generous and then expecting you to comply with their demands.

Gaslighting

You start questioning your own judgement or memory of situations. You end up doubting your own reality and version of events. This is very insidious and terribly damaging over time to an individual's mental wellbeing, as they lose self-trust and become more reliant on the abusive partner who is very convincing.

You feel guilty for having needs or boundaries

Evidence of controlling behaviour often does not come when everything is going well for the abusive partner. How do they react when you say no? When you try to set healthy boundaries and express your needs in the relationship? They usually push back, punish you, or protest that “you don’t care enough” because you want time alone or to see a friend, for example.

Isolation disguised as love and concern for you

A controlling partner wants to keep your world small. This could be framed as “I noticed how rude your mum was to you yesterday and I really didn’t like it. I think you should not see her for a while, as I don’t want you upset”. Doubt might then start creeping into your mind about your mum’s behaviour, and you recognise it might not have been the best, and so you go along with what your partner says.

Then, with repeated instances like this, they very gradually isolate you from friends and family. This makes you more dependent on them and less likely to leave. But they do it from the perspective that they have your best interests at heart and are protecting you.

Eroding your confidence by criticising

In healthy relationships, we should be our partner’s biggest cheerleader, and they should be ours. However, in abusive relationships, you see the downplaying of your achievements, making jokes at your expense, followed by them telling you to “Lighten up, I was only joking” or “You’re too sensitive”.

What to do if you recognise signs of domestic abuse

One isolated behaviour or conversation does not automatically mean that a relationship is abusive, as there will usually be a pattern of behaviour over time, along with an ongoing negative impact on the other partner. Everyone is human, and healthy relationships are never faultless or perfect at all times. For example, toxicity isn't just about a couple arguing a lot, or someone occasionally showing a healthy level of jealousy, being insensitive once in a while, or saying something in haste and later regretting it.

If you, or someone you know, recognises anything mentioned in this article and feels something may not be quite right in the relationship, then what can you do?

You don't need to have all the answers

You don’t have to have everything worked out before asking for help to explore your concerns further.

Talk to someone you trust

Sense-check your partner’s behaviour with a trusted friend or relative, because you might get a different view on something that seems normal to you, or toxic behaviour you are tolerating because you're so used to it.

Keep a record of concerning behaviour, if safe to do so

Keep a confidential record of behaviours and incidents, if safe to do so, as this can be a useful way to identify patterns and their consistency over time.

Reach out to specialist domestic abuse services

Seek help from your local domestic abuse charity or support service at any point whilst in a relationship, wanting to leave or post-leaving. These services can help with information, risk assessments, advice, and safety planning if leaving the relationship is the way forward.

Seek emergency help if you're in immediate danger

If you or someone else is in immediate danger from a partner, please seek emergency help as soon as possible.

Explore professional support options

If safe to do so, one-to-one professional support, such as from a trained relationship and divorce coach who specialises in domestic abuse, can be really beneficial to help you gain clarity about issues including types of abuse, tactics of abuse, impact of abuse, abuse recovery and post-separation abuse. You can also explore your concerns and emotions to find the right way forward for you.

Increased awareness of these relationship dynamics isn't about making hasty decisions or rushing to leave; it's about exploring one step at a time. These relationships are extremely complex and need careful, safe unpicking.

It all starts with understanding what is happening, and hopefully this article has helped shine a light on some of the less well-known signs of what might be a toxic, abusive relationship dynamic.