How to prepare yourself for dating again

Time between relationships is a valuable space for getting back to your true self and becoming clear about what you want the next time around. If you bounce from one partner to the next without using the time in a healthy way, you may find yourself repeating similar patterns.

It can be tempting, or in some cases feel like a necessity, to run from one pair of arms to the next, but moving quickly into another relationship may not always give you the space to reflect on what you want or need next.

A lot of my clients have done just this and found that their new relationships were just full of the same or similar issues.

Getting to know yourself and then being your most congruent and authentic self can help you become clearer about who you are and what you want from a relationship.

There are several reasons for taking a break between relationships and then preparing yourself for the next, especially if at the end of your relationship you are emotionally and mentally exhausted.

There could be pain and loss to deal with; as mentioned, you could feel drained by the last one and don’t know why it went so wrong. Taking time to reflect on what happened may help you recognise patterns you don’t want to repeat.

I would have called myself a serial monogamist in the past. Always needing to be in a new relationship, seeking out what was missing in myself and longing to find the person to make me feel complete. As soon as my avoidance kicked in, I would be on the search for someone new or seeking validation for myself.

Taking the time to understand yourself and your relationship history can help you understand your relationship patterns and become clearer about what you might want moving forward.

So, what are the key steps to pick yourself up after the end of your relationship and get ready for the next one?

As you may have guessed, the first is to:

Take some time to be single

And that doesn’t mean being single and checking out dating apps all of the time, going on dates and keeping new relationships casual. I mean, be on your own.

There isn’t a set amount of time you need to be single. The important thing is giving yourself enough space to reflect rather than feeling pressured to immediately find someone new.

Learn to be comfortable with and accept yourself.

Devote some time to positive pursuits and people

Eat well, sleep well, exercise and generally make yourself feel good about yourself and your life. Try new pursuits and hobbies, meet new people and re-engage with the ones you may have let slide during your relationship.

If it has taken a knock (or maybe wasn’t there in the first place), build your own sense of self-worth and self-esteem.

Make your own wellbeing a priority.

Acknowledge any pain you are experiencing

During the breaks of enjoying your new single life, you may experience the loss of the last person you were with.

The end of a relationship can bring difficult or conflicting emotions, and giving yourself space to acknowledge how you’re feeling can be an important part of moving forward.

It can be challenging, and you may experience a range of emotions as you adjust to what has changed. Accept your complex emotions and remind yourself that they are OK and natural.

Reflect on your part in the previous relationship

It is very easy to blame the other person for what went wrong in your relationship, but where it feels appropriate, take some time to reflect on whether there is anything you would do differently in a future relationship.

This isn’t about taking responsibility for another person’s behaviour or blaming yourself for the relationship ending. Instead, think about what you have learnt about yourself and what you might want to approach differently next time.

Try not to get stuck in comparison or regret

We can often look at others when our lives go wrong. Wanting what they have can make us feel low and spiral into self-criticism. Spending too much time focused on regrets about the past can also make it harder to think about what you want moving forward.

Focus on the future: what you want to bring into your life and how you are going to create it.

Clarify your own needs and wants, be aware of your own values and principles and lay out what the next person needs to have too.

Be clear on the boundaries for the next person and what you will do if these become blurry or are challenged in any way.

Don’t rush the next one

You need to be clear about what you want in your next relationship before you get involved with the next person. So, even if you think you have met the right one, keep the pace nice and steady.

Give yourself time to get to know each other rather than feeling that everything needs to be decided or shared immediately. Keep the conversation natural and flowing and allow yourself to learn more about them over time.

Keep an eye out for any green or red flags and consider what they might mean for you. Act if you need to, especially around the red ones.

Keep hold of the self that you have diligently worked on and don’t lose sight of who that is or lose yourself in the relationship.

Keep an eye on how you feel and what could trigger you. And decide if this is the person that can complement you, rather than complete you.

Taking the time to invest in myself was the best decision I have made, and although difficult at times, it led me to knowing myself more completely and therefore understanding what I was doing and also what I wanted moving forward.

I realised that I didn’t need to and couldn’t save everyone and also that I was worthy of love and being in a relationship that would complement me and allow me to connect in ways that I have always denied myself.

Be good to yourself.