How to let go of resentment

Jane’s husband had an affair and, despite her forgiving him and trying to rebuild their marriage, he eventually left her for the other woman. Two years later, Jane had rebuilt her life but was still filled with resentment about her husband leaving and losing the future they had planned. Jane was struggling to feel fulfilled and content with her current life, as she felt stuck in negative emotions about the past that drained and disempowered her.

When Jane went to see a life coach, she didn’t understand why she still couldn’t let go of her anger and resentment, even though she’d tried. Her coach explained that when we have negative emotions and habits that we can’t change, it can sometimes be because there are benefits or advantages to keeping them that we may not be aware of.

That may sound unlikely to you, but imagine a time when you’ve held onto resentment or pain. Could there have been reasons for not letting them go?

• You get to keep the moral high ground. Feeling that you are in the right and the other person is wrong can give a boost to your self-esteem in the short term.
• You get comfort and attention from others. Support from other people can feel comforting when you have been hurt, but staying in that place for too long may stop you from moving forward.
• You don’t have to step out of your comfort zone. Focusing on the past rather than the future can feel safe and familiar, rather than facing the scary unknown.

Once Jane had understood what she gained from holding onto the pain of her marriage breakdown, she was ready to take steps to finally let go:

• Look into the future. Ask yourself: What will the long-term effects on my life be if I hold onto these feelings? How will it affect my relationships and my happiness?
• Don’t feed the memories. Ruminating on the situation may reinforce the memory rather than help you let it go.
• Forgive the person or the action. This doesn’t mean you condone them or their behaviour. It means allowing yourself to let go of some of the pain.
• Focus on the things you can control. The past is outside your circle of influence, so instead find positive things you can control.
• Be grateful. There is often something to be grateful for, and it may be that the difficult experience itself has led to some positives in your life.

Following these steps doesn’t mean that you will immediately lose all your negative feelings. However, practising them regularly may reduce how often they come up and their power to affect you.

As for Jane, she is no longer my client as she has learnt to manage and let go of her resentment by practising these actions herself. Her life hasn’t dramatically changed, but she now feels enjoyment, satisfaction and purpose in living it.